


Lemon Boy

by luzifersgeliebte



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Drunkenness, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Panic, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Soft JD, Swearing, fluff and eventual smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:40:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26257273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luzifersgeliebte/pseuds/luzifersgeliebte
Summary: JD is a softie with a broken heart. He's been spiraling down into a depressive episode and can't seem to find a way out of his misery. His love for his mentor, who doesn't seem too interested in him or his feelings, slowly makes him more and more uncomfortable. All around him, his friends and former lovers seem to have found their soulmates, their passions, whereas JD is still stuck in his old patterns. Will he be able to find happiness in himself and in the love of his life?
Relationships: Carla Espinosa Turk/Christopher Turk, Perry Cox/John "JD" Dorian
Comments: 43
Kudos: 21





	1. Pilot: Silly Girl or My Supply Closet Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey to y'all! I gotta admit - I’ve never been a big Scrubs fan during my teens but recently, my boyfriend had me watch the entire series in one go aaaand… well, I’m currently watching it for the third time. So, before you judge me: I don’t know why, okay? And yes, I’m late to the hype and I wish I had jumped on the JD/Dr. Cox train earlier but since there aren't a lot (but honestly, such good) fanfictions on here, I thought: I might also give it a try and maybe I will be able to fulfil someone’s desire.
> 
> Anyways: Enough rambling about the many wasted years - This fic is based on the song Silly Girl by chloe moriondo. It will start out as a story about JD admiring Dr. Cox from a (rather close) distance, so it’s all his POV. I don’t know exactly where to place it but I wanna crop out some things: Elliot and JD had a temporary “sex buddy” kinda relationship, Kim isn’t pregnant, Dr. Cox and Jordan don’t get back together, although Jennifer (JD) will exist. Jordan being pregnant will bring them closer on a friendship basis (I kinda like Jordan but not hooking up with Per :-D). Since this is my first fanfiction on here (and the first I've written in like 6 years) please don't expect too much, I really need to experiment some with my writing "skills".
> 
> If this chapter doesn’t flop, I want to base the rest of the story on it. As well as a playlist, specially tailored for this fic - you can find it on Spotify.

The spotify playlist (each chapter has a song dedicated to it): [Lemon Boy](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3f7LqozRJhWUVBHr1OaiGw?si=qqBSrVGZTsaBgsALJcrUdQ)

I am sat on the floor of a dark supply closet, unmotivated to turn on the lights or to do anything else than existing. How I ended up in this miserable situation? It all started seven years ago, when I first started here as an intern. Or did you mean, why is this poor little guy sat on the floor of one of the Janitor's holy places? Because I messed things up even more than usual…

———————————————

_'Cause I'm just a silly girl in a stupid, dumb, old world_

_I'm just a silly girl in a stupid, dumb, ol' world_

_And he is perfect_

_'Cause he's supposed to be_

———————————————

It was just another torturing day at the Sacred Heart…

**— Flashback —**

I don’t even like those muffins…

At the beginning, this place was completely overwhelming to me. When I first started here, my hopes were high but the bitter sweet taste of reality came in like crushing waves after only the first few minutes. Of course, I love working here. It has always been my dream to become a real doctor and help people - I mean, I am a real doctor now, isn’t that great? I don’t know. Lately, each time I enter the building, I have an icky feeling in my chest. I doubt that it has something to do with my profession and honestly, I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t know the exact reason for my recent fragility: A certain doctor, to whom I look up to since our sights first crossed. That doctor, always angry, always calling me names. He hated me, right from the start, he just can’t stand me. But his blue, blue eyes… and he has such nice curls, I bet his hair is so soft… Especially when he has it freshly cut during the summer months.

Someone kicks me underneath the cafeteria table.

_Ouch_ … I complain to her, telling her that she hurt me. She says that if I keep staring at Dr. Cox like that, he’ll come over to us and kill me with his bare hands. What if he could read minds? Oh man, I’d be completely fricked. I’ll just concentrate on that goddarn blueberrry muffin CB gave me. Dr. Kelso would probably die for it but yeah, not a fan. I munch unconsciously on it, Elliot is babbling about something. Carla and Turk give each other obvious regards… I wish I could do that to him. But like Elliot said, he would most definitely kill me. Right here… He’d simply unsheathe his sword, a knight in a white armour, he’d strive over to me, o valueless knave, and chop off my head. He’s such a beautiful knight. I see him upside down, before my head rolls under a medieval table… “Bye, bye, my knight”, my head says…

Another kick. I almost choke on a blueberry.

I wish he would like me. ****

**— Flashback over —**

———————————————

_Flowers bloomed when he walked_

_Angels sang when he talked_

_I laid my head down on my pillow and I_

_dreamed_

———————————————

Well, I didn’t exactly plan on falling in love, head over heels the first day as a young intern. But he. I was called into a patient room, Carla already being there. And then came him. I immediately wanted to impress him, show him that I’m not a waste of time. And show myself that I can do it! But then, I just couldn’t cope. It was too much for me at that moment - and he saw. Just another intern who couldn't get things right. Alright, alright, he wasn't the Prince Charming most people expect. He wasn’t the softest or sweetest to react, instead, he just wanted me out. Forbid me to talk. Thanks.

I guess I just have a soft spot for frickups, not that Elliot were one. I mean, she’s cute. And funny. But I’m me. And she’s not Dr. Cox. Generally, I wouldn't say I were secretive about my sexual preferences but choosing a woman over a man always has been so much easier. I've had my first same sex experience in high school but it soon ended with Dan telling me what a freak I was. When he caught me kissing his best friend a few years later, I was rewarded with a slap in the face, a punch in the stomach and blood on the carpet - I've never touched a guy since then. My friends always knew about my preferences, sometimes wondered why I wouldn't act out on them - but, it's _difficult_. Darn it. Can't even properly explain the reason I'm so _scared_. Once, Turk stated that, for God's sake, people couldn't actually believe I was straight with such a passion for my hair. If it were only that! Sometimes I fear my thought filter breaks and I’ll babble that stuff out loud. People would know that I daydream about Dr. Cox's lips on mine, about him calling me JD in a candlelit place… Back in the intern days, I visited him, eager to find out what my mentor was like privately. He actually seemed so nice, I thought: "He likes me! He wants to spend time with me." Nooope! He simply misled me. I ended up with him and his football? baseball? buddies… And, yeah, _no_ … That day, he was so close, I could see the little spots of green and brown in his blue eyes. He smelled like Old Spice (which is a huge contrast to my peachy conditioner). Y’know, I just wish I could tell him. He simply made fun of me, asking if I would like to be the little or the big spoon... If only he knew how much I already wanted to be just any spoon to him. I dream of looking at him like Turk looks at Carla, being able to communicate my desires without words. Without him chopping of my head. Or calling me “Priscilla”…

———————————————

_Smile at him in your math class_

_Strive for him to do the same_

_Open your eyes and realize he does not know your_

_Name_

_And he does not care to_

———————————————

I rest my head against some stacked toilet paper. That’s my life now. My supply closet life. Darn it, I know he would never see me the way I see him. He wanders around the halls, I watch him - often from a hidden spot (not that I'm stalking him, it's just that he doesn't notice me) and I admire him from afar. Honestly, it's not that I didn't get used to the name-calling, the bullying or the glaring. Sometimes I just wish for him to stop being so mean to me. I am not a bad doctor, and I really ain't a bad person. Actually, I shouldn't expect anything from this place, these people anymore. Or from myself.

Since, y'know... Dad is gone and Dan fought his way into a proper adult life, I'm more aware of the stupid kid I always have been, will be. Couldn't figure things out with Elliot, nor with Kim. And the best is, my negative attitude doesn't change anything. Turk and Carla got married, they don't want me in their apartment anymore. Or, at least, they tolerate me but deep down, they would be happy to have their privacy - and more space for Isabelle. Sure, CB is still my best buddy. Carla is still the sweetest. But I'm also still the silly one, the single pringle, the loner. For somewhat over a year now, I keep working long shifts in order to distract myself from my thoughts but when I come home, it's still the same, just like when I'm out with my friends. Last week, we went out with some people from the hospital staff in order to celebrate Carla's birthday... Of course Turk was there, Elliot and Keith, Ted, Dan, even Dr. Kelso and Jordan and... Dr. Cox. To compensate my silly sadness, I drowned myself in some apple and mostly 'tinis and thought, why not let myself go...?

———————————————

_And how could I ever think that it was meant to be_

_And how could I ever think that anything was made for me?_

———————————————

A few hours ago, the hallway was almost empty. I needed a few seconds to rest before continuing to work. A harsh voice ripped me out of an almost calm state: "Christine. If you keep staring holes in the air, we will most ce-hertainly fall into some mysterious time-space-anomaly and I swear to god, I don't want to spend the rest of my fricked-up life with you in a shifted parallel universe", followed by the sound of some seriously intense teeth grinding. "Earth to Major Dumb, are you even listening to my concern?" He kept on talking, I wasn't listening. I didn't know what to say. He probably knew I kept avoiding him, since... That evening out. I couldn't think straight, just like that night when I had my sixth Appletini. Or my eighth?

It was just then that I felt a stinging pain in my left cheek. Dr. Cox strode away, down the hallway. "Wake up, Princess. The world doesn't revolve around your sad, sad life and your stupid pouting face", he called. Startled, I touched my cheek. Did he just b****-slap me?

I knew that day, that week, all of it was messed up but the slap? That really gave me the rest of it. That's basically how I ended up in this stupid supply closet, a place were I used to make out with Elliot. Or used to dream about making out with the Big Dog. Finally, it's the place I’m crying in, like the silly girl I am. But at least there’s one constant in my life that I’m sure of: Dr. Percival Ulysses Cox hates me more than I hate myself. And that must be _a lot_.

———————————————

_I made him perfect_

_'Cause I wanted him to be_

———————————————


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback time: JD, being home alone, recapitulates his recent frick up at Carla's birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, I'm already back with a new update to "Lemon Boy". First of all, thanks for the sweet comments on the last chapter. I wasn't really expecting any reaction and the kind words really motivated me to keep on writing. :-)  
> I should be writing three term papers at the moment but I guess this story has priority.  
> Also, I'm working on some Jdox fanart, if you're interested in seeing it, please leave a short comment and I will tell you the link to my tumblr.  
> Btw, sorry if the format is a little different this time.
> 
> As a company to this chapter, feel free to listen to the song "Home" by Daughter.

As I finally leave the closet, it is already past the end of my shift. After getting my things from the lockers, I return home to Carla and Turk who don't seem to be there yet. Oh. It's their anniversary night today. They're probably at a restaurant… Well, first things first: I wash my hands and fetch a glass from the kitchen closet. Out of the freezer, I take a few ice cubes and put them in. When I enter my room, I carelessly throw my backpack in a corner and make my way to the newest furniture addition: a mini bar. Inside, I have stored several beverages, including my new favorite, Cuarenta y Tres and a pack of passion fruit juice. I hurry to the bathroom, change into my pyjamas and on my way back, turn on the TV. Then, I treat myself to a well balanced glass (80-20 is well balanced for me) of liqueur and juice. When again did alcohol become one of my closest friends? Sat on my bed, I absently slurp from my drink. Casually, a classic comedy TV show is playing in the background. But I can't focus anyway. In my head, the same events keep replaying. Dr. Cox giving me a smack to the face. And my drunk ass kissing _him_ at Carla's birthday party... 

__________________________________

_I was drunk again, causing accidents._

_Oh, you're not a friend,_

_You're nothing_

__________________________________

**Flashback**

The clock showed 9:29 pm. Having started at 8 pm, the party was only starting. People were mostly sober and we had just cut the birthday cake Elliot had made for Carla. Some pop music was playing in the background but was drowned by the well-rehearsed birthday song. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,” the crowd, consisting of Ted and the rest of The Blanks, Turk, Elliot, Kelso and some of Carla’s family members, was singing harmonically. Other guests were lazily standing elsewhere in the bar, small talking or gawking at the buffet. A waitress was distributing shots so we could toast Carla's birthday. The moment she passed me, I greedily grabbed two of the glasses off the tray and hurried back to the mass around Carla and Turk. "This toast is for Carla. The best wife I could wish for,” Turk proudly declared and put his arm around his soul mate's waist. He raised his champagne and the others followed his example. "To you, Carla! May you be around for a long time, as the bossy b**** the hospital needs,” added Dr. Cox and earned a deathly glare from both Turk and Carla. Then they laughed. Even Jordan had tears of laughter in her eyes. Whatever further conversation had caused their happiness, I wasn't part of it. 

To you, Carla, I lulled. Internally, I cursed everyone. Everyone _BEING HAPPY_ in this room but me. The gentle formalies being said, people downed their drinks and so did I. The bitter taste made me cringe. These two shots of vodka sent me down spiraling into a mixture of complete self-overestimation and utter desperateness. 

__________________________________

_I think I should be a little more confident._

_In myself,_

_In my skin._

__________________________________

The bartender giggled and shook his head, “Aye, man. You sure wanna be going so fast with the appletinis?” I nodded, drinking the last drop of my previous one. He made another one, said it was on the house. Wow, was he _flirting_ with me? Suddenly, someone hugged me from behind. I gasped. “Vanilla Bear, what are you doing here all alone? Don’t you wanna join me in showing off some nice mooooves?” It was Turk. His head was resting on my right shoulder, he was still hugging me tight. “Hgn, no. Don’ really feel like it, y’know. Am kinda busy with these fellas ‘ere,” I stammered. “You sure? We’re missing ya!” But I waved my hand no, taking the next appletini and almost downed it in one go. Turk wasn’t really in the mood to intervene, it has already come down to the point at which my friends couldn’t cope with my moods anymore, so he simply said I could join him and the rest whenever I felt like it. Spoiler alert: I wouldn’t. My mind went back to thoughts of Dr. Cox and me not deserving love. All I wanted so badly was that he would notice me. Shyly, I turned around to look out for him. He was sitting at a table next to Jordan and Carla, watching Turk dance to a funky beat. Should I really not join them? But faith had something else for me in mind…

__________________________________

_Take me, take me, home._

_Take me, take me, home._

_'Cause I don't stand a chance in these four walls._

_And he don't recognize me anymore._

_Burned out flames should never reignite._

_But I thought you might_

__________________________________

I had just ordered yet another ‘tini, when a stranger sat down beside me. To be honest, at that point, I really couldn’t tell if he was also one of the guests of the birthday party or if he was just another desperate soul looking for a drop of relief. He smoothly ordered a Cuarenta y Tres with milk, on ice. _A what?,_ I was asking myself... and he must have seen my questioning expression because he asked for two straws and added, “Never had it? I promise, it will make you more addicted than an appletini!” I thought I was dreaming. “You drinkin’ ‘tinis?” Very eloquent, JD. But he didn’t seem to mind. “Sure, I’m not a big fan of those bitter drinks. Got a sweet tooth and that’s also why I’m sitting next to an absolute gorgeous man,” he added as he winked at me. Wait, what? I couldn’t help but blush. “Y’aren’t ‘xactly ugly either,” I pressed out and then had to hold back a burp. Hm, apple. “Flattering to hear that from you.” He took back his drink from me and sipped eagerly at his straw. The glass was empty almost immediately, leaving only some ice cubes behind. The handsome stranger sighed: “Refreshing. A good drink in oh, so handsome company.” I felt a hand on mine, caressing it. I smiled, gaining more and more confidence. Thanks, appletinis, I can always count on you. I put said hand on his knee, then slowly stroked his thigh. “‘been waiting for someone to come ‘ere all evening,” I said, making him laugh. “What a coincidence it must be, then. I was looking for someone, too.” I smirked, putting my free hand through my hair. “You wanna get some fresh air?” he gave me a questioning look and at that, I should have said no. Honestly, isn’t that one of the most _obvious_ sentences? What if that was exactly what I wanted? I wouldn’t let him control the situation. I wasn’t _that_ drunk. I wanted to make it my decision. 

With an irresistible smile, I nodded. He took my hand and guided me through the bar towards the entry. Following him, I felt a gaze on my back. We had almost reached the entry when I decided to take back some control, showing _my_ stranger what _I_ wanted. Abruptly, I halted and pulled him into a darker corner. Cliché, isn’t it? I pressed him against the nearest wall, getting a suffocated “hmph” from him. And then I kissed him. And he put his hands in my hair. I moaned. God, I’ve been dreaming of a moment like this since college. Resting my hands on his waist, I deepened the kiss. He was a few centimeters taller than me, so I had to stand up on my toes. But he didn’t mind. As he let his hands slide down my back, towards my butt, he sighed lustfully. That only stimulated me to go further. Did I have in mind that we were still at Carla’s party? Did I remember that that meant that the ‘stranger’ I was kissing was most probably not really a stranger since the bar was reserved for their guests only? Nah, but I remember me, kissing his neck, licking his earlobe and I remember his sweet moans. I remember him saying his name was Samuel. Haven’t I seen him before? 

We went on for a bit, Samuel stroking my butt and whispering sweet things in my ear as I kept on nuzzling his neck. Then, out of a sudden, I felt a strong hand on my shoulder, shortly after, I was pulled away from my almost-lover. “DJ! I can’t believe it. First, you can’t keep your hands off of me, then you MAKE OUT with _my_ new boyfriend?” I heard a sarcastic voice next to me. And then a grunt. “Sarah, you _moron_ ,” said a male voice, with a hint of disappointment.

__________________________________ 

_Take me, take me, home._

_Take me, take me, home._

_Now he's moving close,_

_My heart in my throat._

__________________________________

“H-hey…” I stuttered, trying not to lose my balance as the owner of the male voice took his hand away from my shoulder. Behind me, Samuel cringed and tried to get away before Jordan could get him. But my focus shifted from them to Dr. Cox, who was, unfortunately, the one who caught us. Who else would it be? He just glared down at me, his expression unreadable. “Man, I-... don’t know what got into-” I started, but was soon interrupted by Turk: “I can’t believe you two were making out for 30 minutes and then didn’t even realize that Dr. Cox was right BEHIND YOU!” I ducked away, trying to make myself as small as possible. My head was spinning, the alcohol had made me dizzy and nauseous. “You okay, buddy?” Turk asked me and I nodded. “Just need a-” was all I could get out before I barfed on Dr. Cox’s shoes. “Oh, Annabelle. You really know how to ruin not only a birthday party, but also a relationship and my new Italian shoes,” was the last thing I heard before the dizziness took over me and I fell, face first, into someone's arms. That someone was Dr. Cox. It was that moment that I blacked out.

When I regained my consciousness a few minutes later, I was leaned against Elliots shoulder and she was carefully stroking my hair. Everything was kind of blurry but I could see that the rest of the people, including Carla and Turk, were back to the party business. Someone must have cleaned up the mess I've made. I stirred, looking for Dr. Cox. Oh lord, he must be furious. He was nowhere to be seen, but Elliot had noticed my awakening and took her hand off my head. "Are you feeling better, JD?" her voice sounded worried. I simply nodded. "I will bring you home. Carla and Turk told me to look after you, they said that they don't want to blow the party off because of the family being here." Sure, at least I didn't ruin everything. A sharp whistle cut through the jazz music that was currently being played. "Barbie, I will take Newbie home. He ruined my shoes and bringing him home will bring him even deeper in my debt. Oh. You're awake, Arabella. Get your stuff, Daddy will get you home." He then just turned on his heels and headed towards the exit. Elliot was perplex, she probably hasn't expected Dr. Cox to offer me such a nice gesture." You sure you want to go with him? I hope he's not plotting an evil plan…" she brought out, giving me a hug. I was just as surprised as her and inside of me,a hopeful spark ignited. I, very convincingly, with an appletini and vomit burp, affirmed to her that it'll be okay. Dr. Cox was standing by the exit, eyeing us. "Newbie, hurry up with your little girlfriend, give her a kiss and then chop chop, join me in the Porsche." Carla had followed the conversation and brought me my jacket. She looked worried. "Bambi, we have to talk. Go to bed, sober up and most importantly, don't vomit into Dr. Cox's holy vehicle," Then she hugged me. "We love you, see you tomorrow," she added. "Love y'all, too. Needa hurry. Daddy is waiting," I gulped, hurrying after Dr. Cox who had already exited the bar and was standing by his car while I staggered in his direction. Like the gentleman he is, he opened the door for me and let me sit. "If you puke in my car, I swear, Newbie, you will pay for the entire cleanup," he sneered at me. "Fasten your seat belt now, honey." I followed his instructions and he sat down in the driver's seat. Without looking at me, he mumbled, "You know, Newbie, you should talk to your friends about what's bothering you. You really haven't been your same, annoying, puppy-like self lately." However his nearly friendly remark, I shrugged and intensely observed the scenery out of the window. He grunted and started the car, going towards 'my' apartment. 

__________________________________

_I won't say a word,_

_But I think he knows_

_That I've hardly slept,_

_Since the night he left._

_His body always kept,_

_Mine inside of it._

_Keep the nightmares out,_

_Give me mouth to mouth._

_I can't live without ya,_

_Take me to your house._

__________________________________

I must have fallen asleep during the drive because when I woke up the next morning, I was in my own bed. I sighed.

**Flashback over**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the moment, I'm trying my best to build a 'bigger' story around JD and Perry so that this whole fanfiction doesn't end up as pure kiss kiss bang bang, if you know what I mean ;-). I really hope it doesn't bother/annoy you! In the next chapters, there will be more going on between JD and Perry, especially when it comes to Perry's POV. His POV will be a challenge for me but I'm absolutely looking forward to writing in his perspective because JD - it has to be said - is a little bit of a mess right now and his perspective could be morphed heavily by his negative feelings.
> 
> Thanks again for reading this, it means a lot to me! <3


	3. I Am A Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry goes on a drive to the sea in order to find some relief from what's been troubling his mind over the past few months. As fate doesn't seem to be too nice to him lately, it doesn't exactly go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to y'all!  
> I'm back with a new chapter of Lemon Boy - this time from Perry's POV. First of all, thank you all again for the sweet comments. They absolutely made my days <3  
> It was a real challenge to write from Perry's perspective, as I have already expected it beforehand, but I really hope you'll like this chapter anyways. Once again, it is accompanied by a song, it's called I Am A Nightmare by Brand New.  
> Since I have finally handed in one of my term papers, I feel less stressed and will do my best to upload the next chapter asap. If you feel bored in between, feel free to check out my tumblr (same name as here), I have posted some Jdox fanart on it. ;)
> 
> To prevent confusion, I will shortly explain something about the chronology of the story: So, as you might have noticed, most of the story is written as flashbacks with short jumps back into the 'actual' time of the story. Eventually, both POVs will arrive at the same point and the story will change back to a present tense. I hope it didn't bedazzle you guys too much. :)

_PERRY POV_

Looking back at the night after Carla’s birthday party, I’m pretty sure I could have managed to do things differently. Could have made a step towards him. But again, I just said I _could_ have - but I haven’t. So I guess, the story still goes a little something like this:

**Flashback**

I stepped out of his bedroom and sent Carla a quick text.

_Cox: Newbie in bed now. Heading home, wish you a sweet rest of the evening._

She replied immediately.

_Carla: Thank you so much, Dr. Cox. We owe you!_

_Cox: Yup, you most certainly do. I’m always in for a few new bottles of scotch. Hit me up when you got some._

As I closed the apartment door behind me, I growled. Why again did I volunteer on taking the ridiculously drunk Maureen home? He barfed on my _new_ shoes and I did a nice thing for him - without blackmailing him for it. There’s still time to do that, I guess. But I wouldn’t do it anyway, his current state is enough punishment for all of us. At least my Porsche is still Newbie-vomit-free.

Lamely, I got into my car and rested my head on the steering wheel. I was completely exhausted, the evening had been full of surprises and bizarre events. Plus, I couldn't get my head around the fact that Newbie had kissed Jordan’s new lovetoy. Did he mistake him for Barbie or had he been so wasted that he lost the last teenie tiny bit of control over himself? I shook my head. Anyhow, it didn't bother me, did it? 

So, I started the engine and headed home. There, I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and then went to bed. My thoughts drifted to Newbie once again. As soon as I closed my eyes, his face appeared in front of me: Shocked that I had interrupted their little makeout. Ashamed. Fearful. I threw one of my pillows at the imaginary Newbie I was seeing. _You're losing it there, Big Dog_. The image is still there. The worst part: Their _kissing_. How much JD seemed to be into it, his hands in The-Satan-Lover’s hair, his needy moans. Hell, they had overtoned the music. I immediately felt an uncomfortable twitch in my boxers. I’m so _twisted_. I turned a few times, trying to get rid of the images in my head. The next day, I would share the same shift with Newbie. I had to get some rest in order to be somewhat competent. With my remaining pillow pressed against my chest, I eventually fell asleep.

11:23 am. I had overheard my alarm. _Fantastic_ , I thought, _that is a wonderful start for a wonderful day_ . My shift started at noon, so I really had to hurry the hell up. Fortunately, I am not a big fan of breakfast, so I simply freshened myself up a bit, put on my working clothes and headed to my car. I took a deep breath. _No need to be nervous, old sport. It will be a normal day at work. You’re acting like stupid a little girl._

And so, I went to work. Carla and Ghandi had their day off. At least one inconvenience I wouldn’t have to deal with. 

More than a little relieved, I noted that Newbie was nowhere to be seen, but, of course, the Big Guy didn't spare me, I was greeted by Jordan who apparently had a meeting at the hospital. “How was your night with your little protégé? Did you get any sleep?” she had asked me, a smirk plastered on her face. “Did he at least brush his teeth before you kissed him?” I didn’t bother answering her stupid, provocating questions. “Go back to hell, Jordaroo!” I shouted whilst I was already a few meters away, towards the nurse’s station. Her chuckles filled the hallway before she entered one of the bureaus. Attending nothing good from this day any longer, I collected my files and went on to do at least something good. It was at that moment that I saw Newbie at the end of the hallway, excitedly talking to Barbie. Oh no, no, no, no. Newbie was not going to have a good time today, notably not after his little show last night. “Hey, girls. I know you’ve had your fun times last evening but can I kindly remind you that this - yes, this place right here - is a hospital and you two are doctors who should be at work right now? Oh, Barbie, don’t look at me like that. I am so-ho not sorry to interrupt your little coffee party here,” I pronounced just as I passed them on my way to one of the patients’ rooms. When I turned around to see their preposterous faces, Newbie looked at me blankly. At that instant, he quickly headed off. Barbie snapped at me, "Don't act like you're the big, bad wolf. You were the one who insisted on bringing JD home. You’re just overcompensating your feelings, like always.” I was stunned by her sudden outburst of self-confidence. But she didn't have a chance to notice because I responded, “Well, Ms. I-Got-Me-Some-Inappropriate-Balls, at least Newbie knows the appropriate reaction to me telling you to get back to work. So, go follow him, now.” Nevertheless my rant, she was already walking away from me. Finally, do your stupid job. Of course I didn’t feel offended when Newbie had ignored me. He never ignores me. Why did he do it then?

The rest of the workday went on rather uneventfully. Newbie and Barbie had avoided me the best they could and, fortunately, my patients had decided that that day wasn’t their day to die. 

__________________________________

_Turn tin to gold_

_I want pure energy_

_Throw everything I own into the fire_

_I want to find a way_

_I want to throw up snakes_

_Do I have to die to see the other side?_

____________________________________

11:20 pm. I was sitting on the couch, watching a sports game. My thoughts were elsewhere. At first, my intention was to drink one or two glasses of scotch so I could banish the thought of JD’s tongue in that sucker’s mouth out of my brain. When I realized that it probably wouldn’t work, I decided to watch TV. It wasn’t a surprise that that also didn’t work. Finally, I put on some sweatpants, took a light jacket with me and left my apartment. The air outside was still warm. I walked to my car, got in and started it. “We’re going on a walk, buddy,” I said as I got out of the parking space and let the car roll onto the street. With no concrete direction in my mind, I drove around the block a few times until I got bored of seeing my apartment every 5 minutes. _I haven’t been to the sea for a while, the last time was probably still with Jordan_ , I reckoned. I guided my car towards the highway. Seeing the skyline of the city passing by was a soothing feeling and the simple act of driving and having _control_ lessened the tension that had planted itself inside of me. Given the fact that I had to concentrate on the street and on the traffic, JD’s face slowly faded from my mind. But not completely. On the radio, they played some rock-ish sounding songs. One in particular caught my attention, so I turned up the volume.

__________________________________

_I am a nightmare and you are a miracle_

_Crawling out of the ground, it's kind of freaking me out_

_I am a nightmare and you are a miracle_

____________________________________

I grimaced as I caught my reflection in the rear mirror. A nightmare is really what I look like. Black circles had manifested themselves under my eyes and I looked paler than usual. I laughed viciously. I was ridiculous. It has been like this for weeks, almost months now. My brain had convinced itself that the little princess Newbie, out of all people, the guy who wasn’t even a _real_ guy, who always smells like a Bounty bar, the Newbie who annoys me so much that I fear for my mental health sometimes, that certain Newbie is the one I should be interested in. And it’s not only that. It’s the nagging realization that I will never, ne- _hever_ be the one he kisses furiously in a bar. 

__________________________________

_So come shake your Zen out_

_And give me pure energy_

_My heart is glowing flourescent, I want you to possess it_

_I'm not a prophecy come true_

_I've just been goddamn mean to you_

_So what is this thing laced with_

_Please don't replace me_

_I surrender, embrace me_

_Whatever I'm faced with_

__________________________________

I was already quite far away from the city when my car broke down. It was just my luck. I managed to maneuver the Porsche to the side of the road. “God damn it!” I shouted, hitting the steering wheel with my hands. I growled to myself as I got out of the car. Surely, skipping the visit at the service station had been a grave mistake. I called the break-down service but they announced that, unfortunately, if it isn’t anything too serious, they would only manage to pick up the car the next morning. And I would have to sleep in the car or get a taxi. The guy on the phone gave me the number of a befriended taxi driver. Since my Porsche had decided to die on a bridge, I could already see lights glistening on the sea. I dialed the number and instead of bringing me home, I instructed him to drive me to the next motel. 

After the arrival, I checked in and got one of the cheap rooms. Sooner or later, I'd have to call in sick at the hospital for the next shift. Usually, I wasn’t someone to do this - but I probably wouldn’t have made it in time, anyways. Back at the reception, I asked for a drink but, because fate doesn’t spare me bad luck, they could only offer me some _beer_. Unconvinced, I took four bottles to the room with me and sat down on the bed, downing the first bottle in one go. Along the way, I switched on the TV and decided to watch an old baseball match from the early 90s that was being played on a sports only channel. Alongside with the fourth beer, the players who did well earned an applaud from me, whereas the ones who simply couldn’t get it right earned a malicious snarl from me. _Idiots_. Soon after said fourth beer, I was sprawled on the bed, still with my shoes on. _I’m not weak._ “Would you ever choose a nightmare, Newbie?” I sat up and took off my shoes, then the rest of my clothes, leaving only my boxers on. “Newbie,” I murmured, watching the ceiling, “I really hate you and your stupid face right now.” Accompanied by that word, my hand wandered toward my boxers. “I hate that I'm your nightmare.” A deep drawn-sigh left my lips.

__________________________________

_Blessed be the lost at sea_

_The rest in peace was what they conceive in_

_No, I am messed up, no distress_

_I fall asleep holding your hand_

_Among alien dunes, you are a pale vision of blue_

_And I'm a second sail, a saved thief_

_So, go save someone else_

____________________________________

**Flashback over**

I facepalm. What’s going on with me? Did I seriously jerk off to the thought of doe-eyed Newberella at a stinky motel? I think I have completely lost it. And just at that thought, I hear a knock on my door. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, this has been a real rollercoaster for me. I'm really insecure about this one, especially since I read a comment earlier today that stated that most ff authors write JD and Dr. Cox kinda bad/ooc. It had me thinking a lot and I just hope to overcome my fear of imperfection by simply uploading this chapter without fear of having written a bad Perry/a bad fanfic in general. If you have any tips on how to become less insecure about your own written pieces, please let me know lol
> 
> As you can see, Perry is kinda the opposite of uninterested in JD - but his sarcastic and uncommunicative ways will hinder both of them quite a lot. For the next chapter, we will be back with JD's POV. So, as always, stay tuned!


	4. Where Is My Mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JD wonders if a trip to the sea could cure his mind and aching heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dear JDoxer’s, welcome back to another chapter of Lemon Boy. Regarding my little uncertainty about Perry’s POV, some of you were really, really nice to me and the chapter wasn’t a complete failure. So, of course, I had to write another chapter.  
> This one will, once again, happen as a flashback for JD, it’s the same evening/night as for Dr. Cox in the last one. 
> 
> As you might have guessed from the title, the song for this chapter is Where Is My Mind but I chose the cover version from Placebo because I like it better than the original one ;)
> 
> As I always say: Sorry for the weird formatting sometimes. When I copy my work onto AO3, sometimes all dots etc. are moved and it would be A LOT of work to change that. I promise, I'm not too dumb to write. Not all of the time.
> 
> Also, longer chapter than before, I guess. I added a few more characters, some more dialogue. Hope you enjoy it!

_ ______________________________ _

_ With your feet on the air _

_ And your head on the ground _

_ Try this trick and spin it, yeah _

_ Your head will collapse _

_ But there's nothing in it _

_ And you'll ask yourself… _

_ ______________________________ _

**_Flashback_ **

Hastily, I touched the sheets beside me. Yes, I really was in my bed. It was probably already close to noon when I woke up. The headache wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be, so I got out of bed and took a shower to get rid of the rest of  _ shame  _ that had collected itself on my skin. My mouth, still filled with a taste of vomit and alcohol, really needed a wash, too. 

In the kitchen, Carla and Turk had left me some food from the party. They must have been asleep, still, because one could hear a rat fart in that silence. Without much appetite, I ate some chicken strips and remoulade for breakfast, almost had to puke again, and then went to work. My shift started at noon and I would have to share it with Dr. Cox. Fortunately, Elliot would also be there to give me mental support. 

When I arrived at the hospital, Elliot already awaited me at the entry, two coffees in her hand. “There you are, JD! I’ve been waiting for you… normally, we’d go get some coffee before work,  _ together _ ,” she complained to me. “The janitor pretended to be a barista again and he gave me those for free. But only because I lied to him, said I wanted to drink two today.” I told her how sorry I was for ditching our get-coffee-date, but she just waved it off, “I know, I’ve seen your state last night. Are you feeling any better now?” “Sure, a prince in shining armor put me to bed last night. Couldn’t feel more rested,” I said, sarcastically. She just grimaced at my words. “Come on, let’s get started.” And so, work began.

It was a quiet day at the hospital. And if I say quiet, I mean it. I mean  _ me _ . I haven’t really spoken to anyone that day, Elliot was an exception. Since Carla and Chocolate Bear had their free day and I had to avoid Dr. Cox at all costs (or should I say, cox-sts), she was the only one to be blessed with my annoyance. “Blessed” probably wasn’t the right word for it, but she enjoyed her JD-time anyway. During one short break, we chatted in the hallway. My mood hadn’t been the best and she knew it. She came up with old stories about Turk and me and how we would do stupid things, such as the  World's Most Giant Doctor. Of course, she didn’t fail to make me laugh. We also talked about our on-and-off’s and how, luckily for the both of us, she eventually figured out that we just weren’t right for each other. She didn’t mean to hurt me, I knew that, but sometimes it only took a small anecdote like that to send me spiraling down into a hella destructive daydream. 

“You’re never gonna find someone who likes you, JD!” Dream-Elliot said, pointing her finger at me. “You’re a loser!” Turk shouted, who suddenly stood in the doorframe of one of the patients’ rooms. “You suck! Not my balls, sadly!” The Todd made a sad gesture towards his lap. “We don’t need you, JD. Go away, go away!” Carla yelled at me. Once again, Dream-JD and I were on the verge of tears. And then, Dream-Cox was there, just  _ glaring _ at me. With a sneer on his face, he disappeared…

Swallowing down my sadness, I shook my head heavily. _It’s just a daydream, JD._ Elliot eyed me worriedly. I didn’t tell her that her comment hurt me, not only because I didn’t want to make things awkward, but also because Dr. Cox interrupted us, who wasn’t the happiest about our little conversation in the hallway. “Hey, girls. I know you’ve had your fun times last evening but can I kindly remind you that this - yes, this place right here - is a hospital and you two are doctors…” he started, but I had already lost focus on his words. I stared at his shoes and the image of my vomit on his _expensive Italians_ reappeared. Like some kind of prey animal, I tried examining the best way out of this situation. And then, I just ran off. Like, literally ran. And then slowed down because I knew I looked ridiculous. When I saw that my favorite supply closet was free, I stalked in, slamming the door shut behind me. I exhaled in relief. I didn’t know if they had seen me _run_ but either way, I made myself look like an idiot. 

I heard a knock on the door. “Elliot, I am back in a minute. I need to… count the bottles of distilled water.” The door opened and in front of me, the scary smile of the Janitor. “Oh, Scooter, I’ve heard you were counting bottles? How about you continue that?” And before I could protest, he closed the door again and locked it with one of his Holy-Universal-Janitor-Keys. “Darn it!” I shouted.  _ What a great day _ . But I actually tried counting how many of the bottles the Janitor stored in this exact room. If only they were actual water bottles, I felt thirsty and worn out. I couldn’t remember the last time I drank something besides the alcohol and almost-expired remoulade that felt more like a drink than a sauce. But, instead of drinking deadly water, it was time for me to get out  _ or _ Dr. Cox would come looking for me to tell me how “it’s a shame I took all of the break-time at once, to go do a girly cry-session in one of the closets”. A little ashamed of myself, still feeling like a prey animal hiding from a predator, I banged on the door. “Hey, can someone let me out, please?” Nothing. “Hellooo? I’m in here!” I knocked, frantically. And then I heard a small voice on the other side of the door. “Who is in there?” Oh my. It was Ted. “Hey, it’s JD, look... I kinda ended up in here…” “Oh, Dr. Dorian! Sorry, I don’t have the keys.” I sighed. But then I heard a clacking in the keyhole. “What is going on?!” “Oh, um, you know, I used to sneak into Kelso’s office sometimes to take a nap… So I taught myself to open locks with a bobby pin.” A happy ‘clack’ and the door opened. He waved at me, as I was still sitting on the floor. I quickly got up, “Wow. I didn’t know you had such spy qualities. Or bobby pins.” I patted some dust off my butt. He laughed nervously, “Yeah… Please, don’t tell anyone!” he pleaded. “I won’t, don’t worry about it. I owe you one, you’re today’s hero!” I said excitedly. At least something good and fun happened that day. I high fived him and he smiled proudly. After some very awkward silence, I closed the closet’s door and told Ted goodbye. He didn’t mind and just said, as if it was something to be proud of, “Okay. I’m going home now. My mother has bought us some popcorn! Bye!”

I caught up with Elliot shortly later, she was standing at the nurses' station with a clipboard in her hand. “Woah, you’re back. You just left me with Dr. Cox, you know? You ran away like a maniac! And then he sent me back to work, telling me I “grew some balls” and eventually left me alone, standing there like an idiot! I didn’t even see where you ran off to. And one of my new patients stated he was on private insurance and I have already treated him, then it came out he was, actually, not insured at all. Now I will definitely get into a huge fight with Dr. Kelso or AND Dr. Cox!” Before she could keep on babbling, I interrupted her, “I’m sorry, I was caught in the closet because the Janitor once again played a trick on me!” “Sure, you ran off because of the Janitor?” “No, not at first, I mean…” She laughed. It was an honest laugh. When she put both of her hands on each of my shoulders, she looked very understanding. “JD, it’s alright.” And then she hugged me tight. That alone was enough to send tears to my eyes, again. Why the hell was I so sad? And why was she so understanding? “It’s alright. Let’s get back to work and after this shift, we can go have some fries, alright?” I nodded. Alone the thought of food made me nauseous. I haven’t had a huge appetite for weeks and having puked on Dr. Cox’s shoes didn’t help that fact. She let go of me, took her clipboard back into her hands, looked through it and seemed to remember something, saying “Hey, sorry, I just remembered that I have date night today with Keith. Sorry, really.” I knew she meant that. “No prob,” I simply said, taking my literal pile of workload and leaving her at the counter. She didn’t come after me so I think she took the hint. I knew I thought I didn’t want fries anyway, but the thought of meeting someone instead of just hanging around at not-even-my-apartment had made me hopeful.  _ But it’s okay. Okay, okay, okay.  _ I just needed to concentrate on my work. Then go home, eat, sleep.  _ Or, I could do something else.  _ I turned off my phone.

After five more hours of tiring work, I finally had my time off. Going home didn’t seem like an option to me, so I sat in my Prius, driving to the coast. I wanted to see the sea, again. Since it was still summer, and a really hot one for sure, I could also hop into the water as a change to my usual evenings. I know, this sounds ridiculous, so cliché. A guy, crazy in love, heartbroken even, during a hot summer night, drives out to the sea, goes swimming in the moonlight. Oh yeah, I was a cliché. But I didn’t mind because I really needed a break from the same four walls that usually caved me in. Passing the skyline felt like a huge relief. Leaving the city washed away some of my worries, at least temporarily. But Dr. Cox’s face didn’t leave my mind. Nor his Italian shoes with my vomit on them. I cringed at the thought. When I had almost reached the coast, I saw a, probably, broken down car at the side of the highway. It was a Porsche and a tall guy stood beside it. Nothing serious, so it seemed, because he didn’t even have a warning triangle positioned near his car. As I passed him, for a brief second, I thought I saw Dr. Cox standing by his car, talking on the phone.  _ No, that couldn’t be _ . I was just imagining things. I kept on driving straight forward.  _ This couldn’t be him, not possibly be him. No, no, no, no.  _ Sheepishly, I avoided looking into the rear mirror. A road sign indicated that to reach the sea, one should take the next exit. So I did. And then I saw the sea, lights of the city glistening on the surface. It was beautiful. Finally, I had achieved to run away for a while, to flee my own misery. 

When I finally arrived at the beach, I hurriedly took off my shoes, let them sit in the sand and ran. Ran towards the waves like an idiot. Gladly, the beach was almost deserted, only a few love doves were sitting behind some dunes. I slowed down, walking closer to where the water finally hit the sand. Flooded it for a few seconds and then went back again. First one, then the second foot, I went into the water. It was still warm from a hot summer’s day. I didn’t hesitate for a second, tearing off my scrubs, throwing them further away from the water into the sand. And then, I also took off my boxers. Frick it, I thought. I wanted to let go. So I moved into the waves, first only to my hips, then all in. I started swimming, enjoying the sensation of  _ moving _ , being surrounded by so much  _ water _ . I swam, and swam, and swam. Of course, I didn’t swim too far, surely, I didn’t want to die. Well, at least, not like that. After some time,  _ I lost count of how much of it exactly had passed _ , I rested on my back, just floating on the surface.

_ ______________________________ _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Way out in the water _

_ See it swimmin' _

_ ______________________________ _

I imagined what it would be like to be floating next to Dr. Cox. He’d hold my hand, we’d just float in silence. Eventually, he’d turn over to tug me to his side, give me kisses. We’d laugh together. What if we were mermans? We could dive deep into the ocean and go shopping in Atlantis. Hide forever...

I could watch the stars. They were so bright. I felt comfortable.

Yet, slowly but steady, the air and sea got colder and soon, I started shivering. I had to get out or my body would not be happy about it. With a hint of melancholy, I paddled my way back to the beach. Happily, my clothes were still laying where I had left them, so I dried myself off with my shirt, put my boxers and trousers back on and went back to my car. All of a sudden, I felt so exhausted. How long had I been out? My car announced that it was, apparently, past three AM already. Could I still drive home tonight? No, I was definitely too tired. That moment, I already felt my eyelids slowly closing....

_ ______________________________ _

_ I was swimmin' in the Caribbean _

_ Animals were hiding behind the rock _

_ Except the little fish _

_ But they told me, he swears _

_ Tryin' to talk to me koi koy _

_ ______________________________ _

A knock scared me, ripping me out of my dreams about being a merman. A little confused about why I was sitting half-naked in my car, I remembered swimming in the ocean. The knock again. It came from my window, someone peered inside, holding a flashlight directed at me, trying to make out if I was alright. Still flustered, I put on my shirt and opened the window a bit. It was still dark outside. I couldn’t really see anything, especially being blended by the light right now. “Hey, you alright, bud?” The voice outside of my car asked. “Uh, yeah, I was just napping. Sorry. Should I move my car, am I in a stopping restriction zone?” “No, no, don’t worry about it. I am part of the coast guard and I was patrolling, saw your car parked here and thought, maybe someone had left it for good. Then I saw that there was someone inside, I couldn’t see if you were asleep, alive or…” He didn’t have to finish that sentence. “I’m alright. Alive. Awake! I totally lost track of the time. I- I should drive back home.” “Look, kid, are you sure about that?” He pointed his flashlight back at my face. I shielded my face with my hands. “Sorry ‘bout that. Look, I really am from the coast guard,” he said and shined the light on himself, showing off his uniform, “if you want, you can come with me. My husband and I, we have a B&B just here by the beach and we could offer you a room, a shower and breakfast.”  _ Did he say husband? _ He seemed to realize how strange it must sound to me, he added, “I know it sounds strange. But please, you look really miserable.” Then, he held out his hand towards my window. “I’m James Grey. You can call me James.” After all, he seemed very nice  _ and _ I was still in shock. Thus, I shook his hand, “I’m JD. Just JD.” He positioned the flashlight on the top of my car and smiled at me. “I’ll give you the directions and you can drive your little car up to our house. You probably feel more safe like that.” Very precisely, paying attention not to make me miss a single thing about the 500 metres to his home, he pointed me the way and then got back to his own car. When I had just parked my car in the free parking spot and turned around to make my way to the house, I saw someone standing in the doorway of the said B&B.  _ It must have been James' husband.  _ Nevertheless, he scared the heck out of me. James walked up next to me. Their garage made a squeaky noise whilst it closed shut. They let me in, showed me around and sent me to my room, telling me to take a shower, get some rest. We could talk about the rest later that day. “Welcome to our modest B&B!” they both said harmonically, hugging each other. Modest was an underestimation to me. They had plenty of rooms for guests and a lot of space to themselves. “Thank you, I will pay you in the morning, alright?” I felt guilty. “Don’t mention it, bud. Get some rest, now. Goodnight.” 

After a hot shower, I put on the clothes they had put out for me. When exactly did they have the time to do this? James must have called his husband just the second I started the engine. Anyway, I was thankful for it and put on the way too big pink sweater with a dog on it and the baggy, tweed pajama pants. The sheets were ultra comfortable and hugged me tightly. I didn’t need to count a single sheep, because I went to dreamland almost immediately. 

Another knock. Where am I again? Completely overwhelmed, I halfly threw the blanket off of me and got out of bed. Since when did I have such soft sheets?  _ Oops.  _ Everything went black for a quarter of a second. I almost tripped over a small table that stood next to an armchair. Since when did I own all that? Then, it came to me - the B&B. “I- I’m coming!” I said, hurried to the door and opened it. Two friendly faces met my sleep-deprived one. “Good morning. It’s only six AM but since we both have to work, we had to wake you up. Are you feeling better?” James looked at me, worriedly. His husband, too. “Yeah, sure. I mean, for only three hours of sleep so far, I feel better rested than usual.” An awkward chuckle came out of my mouth. “Good. We made you some breakfast, you can have it with us in the kitchen. You can leave whenever you want to. And don’t mention any money, we won’t charge you,” James’ husband declared, “By the way, I’m Luca. Now, come on. Leave the pajamas on and join us.” They led the way to the huge kitchen. Some bar stools stood around a kitchen isle, which was covered with more breakfast options than I had ever seen. “Wow. You guys have the real Lucky Charms?” I gasped. They just laughed at me. “We usually don’t buy them, but our girl Leeta really insisted on getting those. She’d love you if you love Lucky Charms.” They probably saw my confused expression, so James added that Leeta was their daughter, a 17 year old girl who was, since it was the weekend, still peacefully snoring in her bedroom. “We adopted her when she was only 3 years old. She’s our everything.” Luca invited me to sit, so I settled myself on the intended bar stool. They offered me everything my belly could have wished for. For once, I was actually hungry. I stuffed my mouth with Lucky Charms, croissants and pains au chocolat. James made me some tea. When we all felt saturated enough, Luca asked me if I wanted to tell them more about myself. During The Feast, as I will now forever call it, they had already talked a lot about themselves. They were both in their mid 40s, James working at the coast guard and Luca being a Computer Science prof. They met during their college years and had been together since. 

“Well, I’m JD, or Johnathan Michael Dorian, but really, everyone calls me JD. I’m a doctor at Sacred Heart hospital and that’s also where I spend most of my time. I’m living with two friends of mine, a married couple. We have a dog named Rowdy…” A lot of basic stuff followed that and the two happily listened to me talking, still sipping occasionally on our teas. “You know, we really are curious about how you ended up on the beach?” Eventually, that question had to be asked. I owed them an answer, they had offered me more than enough. “I needed a break from my routined life. Everything felt stupid, boring, tense, sickening. I got tired of it all and after work yesterday, I headed off to the coast. It’s not that far, as you know, but I went swimming and lost track of time. Ultimately, I fell asleep.” They wanted to know if my friends weren’t worried about me missing. I shrugged it off. “Dunno. Not the best relationship at the moment.” I didn’t say that I avoided almost everyone. “So, you just wanted a break from work?” James finally asked again, after a long silence. “Yeah, kinda that, kinda the typical broken heart thingy, y’know…” I stuttered, didn’t know if I should tell them about my Out Of The League Crush. “Dear, you can tell us. What’s he like? Why did he break your heart?” They knew? Of course they did. They were what I always wanted Perry and me to be like. “He doesn’t see me that way. Honestly, I don’t even know if he ever sees me as anything but annoying. He’s one of my colleagues, we worked together for years. He’s always been, kind of, my mentor… And I have always been his very annoying sidekick. Dr. Cox doesn’t look at me, he never sees me, he only ever tells me to shut up. Because I am such a burden to him...” I felt the sadness come back again.  _ Stupid child _ . I had only realized the tears streaming down my face when I felt two arms on my shoulders. James and Luca were trying to comfort me. Why isn’t it always so easy to open up to other people?

After I had told them a few more things about Dr. Cox and me, our relationship and my ocassional not-so-gay-occurences (aka Elliot, Kim etc.), James seemed convinced that I hadn’t really tried anything  _ clear _ so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. “JD, don’t put yourself down that much. First, you haven’t told him. How is he supposed to know? To him, following him around is a normal thing to do for you. If he doesn’t see that as sign enough, you’d need a new strategy.” I had never really thought about it that way. Just from the beginning, at least to me, it was as clear as it could be that Dr. Cox would never be interested in me, at least not besides making me his real life voodoo doll. Had I not tried enough? Or, to make it more clear: Had I not done the right things?  “I’m sure he’s not receiving the signals you’re sending. How should he interpret your hookups with women? At least I wouldn’t expect you to be interested in me, either, given the fact that you normally only date women and don’t talk about men at all.” He had a point. Hadn’t I been clear enough? I hadn’t even talked about it to my friends. They suspected it, Carla probably really knew about my preferences. But it never came from me...

Due to the fact that they had to go to work and, well, I also had work that day, we decided it would be best for me to leave with them. I was supposed to keep the clothes they gave me. I didn’t mind. I liked the oversized sweater, I looked kinda good in it. 

By the door, I hugged them both.  _ A neat hug.  _ “Thank you both for having me. I will need to pay it back to you guys. You have my number now, please, text me whenever you want to. And tell Leeta I’m dying to meet her.” I felt more at home than the past year. And I had only known them for what, six hours? A little sad, we parted. As I got into my car and started driving towards ‘home', they waved me bye-bye. That was just too sweet. 

Back home, I was greeted by three not so friendly faces. It was 8:26 AM and, evidently, my friends had planned on going to work together. “JD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” Carla yelled, coming towards me, her finger pointed at my face. “We were worried about you, VB!” Turk sounded sad and tired. And Elliot looked sad and tired. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say. “Did you throw your phone away or something?” “No, I just turned it off, sorry. I needed a break.” “Oh well, Bambi, guess what, we also need a break from your shit. We’re going to work. If you also plan on showing up, get your little ass out of those weird pajama pants and get going.” With that, they just left. They were disappointed.  _ So, so, disappointed _ . My happiness from earlier seemed to vanish already.

At work, my friends didn’t talk to me. And Dr. Cox wasn’t there. Could it really have been him last night, broken car and all? It seemed that everyone avoided me.  Not until Turk came up to me during a quiet minute. “Look, JD, I can’t be mad at you. Please, you need to talk to us about what’s going on with you. Tonight, we’ll have dinner together. You, me, Carla and Elliot. Okay? Okay. Now, give me a hug.” I didn’t protest. Carla also joined us, hugging Turk and me from the side. “Bambi, we miss you.” “I’m sorry.” I was about to cry again. Turk burped, “Sorry, I had a diet coke. They’re always super bubbly.” The tears were replaced by hysterical laughter. “You’re a jerk, baby.” 

Later on, by the nurses' station, Elliot stood next to me. She didn’t spare me her “tss”s, though. “Elliot, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me, okay?” But her answer was another “tss”.  “Elliot, we’re not mad anymore. You know that?” Turk’s voice came from behind me. Elliot made a surprised “O”-expression, and, in the blink of an eye, went from ‘I want to kill JD’ to FRANTIC HUG. “Group hug!” Chocolate Bear screamed. Again, I didn’t protest. Was I home again?  Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw an imaginary Dr. Cox staring at us, thoughtfully. He’d probably come over to us, another rant would rain down on us. If he were real. But he wasn’t. Instead, he just stalked off, his lab coat flattering. A little bit of the home feeling disappeared with him. 

_ ______________________________ _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Where is my mind? _

_ Way out in the water _

_ See it swimmin' _

_ ______________________________ _

The dinner didn’t go as planned. 

At first, everything seemed alright. We ate the delicious food Carla had prepared (it was a quick meal, but a very good one), chatted a bit, Elliot informed us about things getting real serious with Keith. I was happy he wasn’t there because I’d be the worst fifth wheel ever. A little by the way, I wanted to know if Carla knew why Dr. Cox hadn’t been at work that day. Carla didn’t know, said he called in sick. A big, fat lump of worry formed itself in my belly. But the self-made cocktails Turk had made were just too delicious, and ended up being too many, too.  “Hey, hey, Bambi, slow down with the drinks. You’re beginning to babble again.” “I want to see him,” I brought out. “JD, what are you talking about? You still need to tell us where exactly you were last night…” Elliot’s voice sounded small and full of worry. But my head was full with thoughts like  _ I need to see him.  _ “Sorry, I thought about Rowdy in my room. I missed him, guys. And you!” I really needed to see  _ him _ . So, I told my friends I’d wash my plate and go to bed. They had agreed, given the fact that I apparently didn’t have much sleep the previous night. But I didn’t stay in bed. I put on my new favorite sweater, some jeans and a pair of sneakers and not-so-quietly sneaked out of the window. Like, in a real Cinderella-ish movie. I was Cinderella, but the cool one. I ran. I knew exactly where to. James was right, I needed to  _ do _ something.

**_And here, the flashback turns into the crashing reality_ **

And I am doing it now.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, things are speeding up a little bit. Hopefully in the right direction. ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading, really. It means the world to me!  
> *fingers crossed* And... did you like it? I hope you don't mind some OCs (like Luca, James and Leeta)


	5. Candlelight Love Will Tear Us To Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Convinced that finally taking action would bring them closer to each other, JD decides to pay his favorite doctor a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello.  
> I have a severe ear infection and spent the last couple of days tucked in - my days consisted only of being given weird ear drops that made me feel like someone had spat in my ears.  
> Anyways, as my condition seems a little better today, I wanted to quickly update this story before I fall back into bed. 
> 
> The songs this time are "Tear Me To Pieces" by Meg Myers for JD and "Candles" by Daughter for Perry. I've had Candles stuck in my head for days and it was the song that finally convinced me to write this fanfic because it suits JDox so perfectly. 
> 
> All I can say is: It's sexy time but make it angsty ;)
> 
> Before you read this, please take a look at the story tags again. They describe this chapter pretty well and I don't want to upset anyone.
> 
> P.S.: I have this idea that won't let me live in peace... it's about an AU fic for JDox... Kinda a crossover with Netflix's Lucifer. What do you think about it? I'd have to make the setting suitable for Cox and JD and it would be probably totally OOC (especially for whoever would be Lucifer *we'll act like you all don't know it'd be Cox anyway*) BUT, would any of you be interested in reading that? Idk if it's my temperature making me go into a delirium but I can't STOP thinking about Cox as a handsome Irishman in a suit.

**_Perry POV_ **

I put my drink aside. Another knock. A third, a forth. “Damn, whoever that is re-heally will suffer from my wrath. COMING,” I yell as I walk over to the door, opening it with an aggressive growl. “Newbie,” I say, playing unaffected. I’ve spent the past three hours daydreaming about his head in my lap. Guess fate had heard my longings. Nevertheless, I can’t let Newbie _notice_ any of it. “What do you want?” I don’t have the time to further interrogate him, because he rushes in, pushes me away from the door, closing it. Without further explanation, he presses himself against me, grabbing some of my hair and fiercely pulling me into a kiss. What? For a few seconds, I just stand there while _he_ kisses _me_. _What? Am I imagining this? Is this really Newbie?_ My head starts spinning, my legs are about to give in. I am beyond overwhelmed by the sensation of Newbie’s soft, so, so soft lips working against mine. _I don’t care anymore._

_______________________

_That boy take me away into the night_

_Out of the hum of the street lights and into a forest_

_I'll do whatever you say to me in the dark_

_Scared I'll be torn apart by a wolf in mask_

_Of a familiar name on a birthday card_

_______________________

Ignoring the voices in my head telling me to _stop, stop now, you’re ruining everything_ , I grab him by the wrists and whirl him against the door. Against his own expectation, so it seems, I furiously kiss him back now. Taken by surprise, he stops kissing back for a second. But then he’s back on track. He smells like vanilla. He tastes like honey. He is the sweetest thing I could’ve ever dreamed off. His tongue flips over my lips. I grant him entrance into my mouth. _So hot._ I am kissing him, I am kissing John Michael Dorian, aka JD, aka The Most Annoying Person On This Planet. And he’s also, I just found _that_ out, The Sweetest Tasting Person On This Planet.

**_JD POV_ **

_______________________

_Hush, hush, ashes and dust_

_Trouble's not worth the pleasure but I feel alive_

_Lust, lust, never enough_

_Indelible human nature keeps me up at night_

_It's a pretty fixation_

_It's a pretty fixation_

_But it's a wicked temptation_

_It's a wicked temptation_

_______________________

He’s kissing me. Dr. Cox is kissing me back. _It’s happening._ Only a few seconds ago, I stood in front of his apartment door and thought, wow, he’ll kill me. And I know, he will in some way. Not today. _It’s happening. I am doing something._ But can’t think now. I can’t think straight. Desperately, I moan into the kiss. He has my hands trapped against my chest, pressing his weight on me, pressing me against the wall. When I open my eyes, everything is blurry. All I see is Dr. Cox, so close. His eyes closed. He’s the hottest thing this world knows. With a tug, I free my hands from his grip. A certain destination in mind, I move him away from the wall, towards the sofa. Never breaking the kiss. He doesn’t protest. One hand on the back of his neck, the other softly pushing him down to sit. And he does. Flushed, I seperate my lips from his for a moment. _Air._ His eyes are filled with something I’ve never seen before. I look down on him, one hand still on his neck, admiring that _it’s him_. _He’s so attractive, it shouldn’t be allowed._ “You’re so damn sexy,” I mutter. “Shut up and c’mere, Newbie,” he doesn’t wait for my reaction, takes me by the hand and lets me top him. I straddle him, halfly sitting on his lap, I put my hands to the left and right next to his body. Staring into his eyes, another flash of lust overcomes me. How much power I could have over him now. It’s impossible he actually lets me do all this. I must be dreaming. But I don’t care. I _want_ him. A grin on my face, I kiss his earlobe. His collarbone, pushing down his t-shirt a little. His cheeks. I leave a trail of saliva behind as I lick over the nape of his neck. Beneath me, Dr. Cox starts breathing heavier. “You’re a tease, Annabelle,” he almost moans when I nibble at the flesh I previously caressed with my tongue. I lean back. A giggle escapes my mouth. “And a girl,” he mocks. As punishment, I take one of his hands to my mouth and slowly kiss his fingers, lick over them. “You’re so hot,” I moan. He stares at me, blankly. Then, I put his index finger inside of my mouth, swirling my tongue around it and sucking on it. He groans. “God damn it, Rebecca,” he swears under heavy breaths. “Hmm, Dr. Cox, does this turn you on?” I speak around his finger, giving it another good suck. But he doesn’t give me that. Ripping his hand from he, he flips me over and now straddles me. He takes off my shirt, leaving wet kisses on my skin. My trousers and my underwear are to follow. But not only _my_ clothes are gone. A deep, lustful growl comes from Dr. Cox as he leans over me, also now nude, looking like a starved animal. His erection is pressing against my abdomen. “There’s no going back now, Newbie…” “Shut up and fuck me, Dr. Cox.”

**_Perry POV_ **

_______________________

_Blow out all the candles_

_Blow out all the candles_

_"You're too old to be so shy"_

_He says to me so I stay the night_

_______________________

What a delicate view. I lick the rest of his taste off my lips. JD… His face flushed, eyes black with pure _desire_. My dick got rock hard only from his teasing. This view, his noises, I could just dive into this. Take it all in, burn it into my memory. I need it all. It's like I'm high. Also, I figured out what that honey-ish smell coming from Newbs is - probably liquor because _this girl here beneath me_ certainly wouldn’t have the guts to do this without alcohol running through his veins. But at this moment, I don’t want to know _what_ he drank to grow some testicles. 

It’s nothing like I had imagined it before. Newbie isn’t shy, he’s feral. He knows exactly what strings to pull to make me go nuts. That’s also why I let him turn us over again, let him straddle me once more. Because it’s too good to be true. He’s too gorgeous. And right now, _he’s all mine._ Involving him in another intense kiss, I let myself go...

_______________________

I wake up next to Newbie. He still reeks of alcohol, honey and sweat. He whispers something, it's barely audible. I freeze. "What did you say, Newbie?" He looks a bit startled, probably didn’t expect me to wake up, not sure if he should repeat it. “Nothing,” he lies. I shove myself away from him, put my boxers back on and rub my face with my hands. "God, fuck this, Newbie. What did we do? What are you even doing here? You were ridiculously drunk." With every word, my voice gains in volume and anger. _He's mocking me._ His eyes widen, he stares at me in disbelief. “I thought you and me, we…” “No, no, no. I’m not having any of this.” I stand up. "Shit, get dressed. I can’t even look at you without disgust,” I lie to him, I have to. The only person I’m disgusted at is myself. I think I heard the words he whispered. _I love you,_ he had said it so silently. But I’m sure they were those exact three words. 

_______________________

_Just a young heart confusing my mind_

_But we're both in silence_

_Wide-eyed, both in silence_

_Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene_

_______________________

He stares at me in disbelief, still naked, only my blanket covering him. I groan and leave the bedroom. _He's making fun of me. He was drunk, he doesn't mean it._ I try to hold back the urge to take him and shake him, shake some fucking sense into him. _You can’t say that to me, Newbie. You must not say this, never again._ “Shit!” _I want to throw this stupid chair out of the window_ , I think, kicking it as I pass it. “Dr. Cox, wait, what’s going on?” his voice is desperate. He stumbles after me, after he has finally put on his underwear. “Dear God, Clarice, you have the guts to ask me _what is going on_ when, obviously, we woke up next to each other, naked, after we had, let me say it quick before I have to vomit, sex for several hours last night. You still wonder what the hell is going on here?” The boy has tears in his eyes. “Don’t give me that look, you know damn well how much of a mistake it was. You were bloody drunk again, coming after me like you did with Jordan’s boytoy. What’s going on _with you_ , Janette?” Tears are streaming down his face now, I watch him put on the rest of his clothes before he rushes over to me, grimacing with pain. “That’s not it, Dr. Cox! I-” He's now shouting at me and I turn away from him because I need to hold back my goddamn emotions, I can’t hear about it, can’t hear those three words, I don’t want to yell at him or give him a good smack to that beautiful face. Harshly, I interrupt him, “It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, Newbie. I have a family, a son and a daughter, and an important career ahead of me. If you really think this little love affair here would get to me, sorry, I have to inform you that it, in fact, _DOES NOT._ ”

“Why do you hate me so much when I give you nothing but love?” He’s sobbing, coughing because he keeps choking on his own spit. I bite my tongue because I can’t say what I want, _I can’t give in to Newbie_. _He’s not my saving grace._ “You’re nothing to me, Newbie. Nothing but a pain in the ass. I was horny and you were drunk, what had to come came upon us, now we will never e-hever speak of it again,” is the only thing I can come up with, so I could shield myself. I needed to get him away from me because he keeps seeing through my façade and he will eventually break it if _he keeps being himself_. “You’re nothing,” I repeat, louder this time. For myself to hear it. For me to convince myself. “Now get out of my eyes.” 

_______________________

_Well, I have brittle bones it seems_

_I bite my tongue and I torch my dreams_

_Have a little voice to speak with_

_And a mind of thoughts and secrecy_

_Things cannot be reversed_

_We learn from the times that we are cursed_

_Things cannot be reversed_

_Learn from the ones we fear the worst_

_And learn from the ones we hate the most_

_______________________

He leaves without saying anything, I hear his sobs disappear into the distance. “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” I smash one of my glasses against the wall. _My neighbors love me._ “That’s what I always wanted to keep from him. This whole mess. I can’t let him come close to me, to this fraud, to this hurricane hidden behind a mask of sarcasm and indifference.” I want to cry but I would never ever let that happen. _My dad used to tell me that only the weak, fragile losers would cry. Whenever a tear dared to surface, he’d beaten me numb. When he heard the rumours about my sexuality, he had gone completely crazy. One day, my first boyfriend came over to my place. To my mother, I introduced him as a classmate. But my father knew. He threw bottles at me, empty or full. I had a huge laceration on my forehead, my boyfriend had several cuts on different parts of his body from all the shards. That event marked the day I decided to be straight. And I’d sworn to never bring any of this upon someone else, ever again._

And I wouldn’t be weak. Yet, I feel a teardrop rolling down my cheek. “I’m a pathetic, old man. A raging storm incarnated. And Newbie got lost in it…”

_______________________

_Well, I'll never be a lover_

_I only bring the heat_

_Company under cover_

_Filling space in your sheets_

_In your sheets_

_______________________

**_JD POV_ **

_______________________

_I know this love will tear me to pieces_

_I know his hands will dig up my secrets_

_It's in your eyes, ah, you fucking liar_

_I know this love will tear me to pieces_

_______________________

Why did I come here? Why did I say this? Did he hear me? Am I really so stupid to believe I’d be more to Dr. Cox than a meaningless one-night-stand? I feel speechless. Dr. Cox has _honestly_ told me how he feels about me - that he, in fact, feels nothing for me. I am no one. I feel like I was shattered to pieces. “I’m sorry,” I stutter. "Shut your disgusting gay mouth, Dorian. JUST LEAVE," he half-yells and slams his glass onto the table. 

_______________________

I'm running like a maniac. Running through the night. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I run until my lungs give up, I throw up into a hedge, I try to run again but all I can do is pant, pant, pant. What a stupid fricking idiot I am. I'm a fool. I don't want to do this anymore. Now I ruined _everything._ I haven't realized that I already reached our building a few minutes ago, as I stand by the wall, hands pressed against the cold stone, trying to get air. More air. Into my lungs. Suddenly, Carla peeks out the front door. "Bambi? I knew I heard your panting." And then she sees how terrible I must look. More than usual. "Oh my, Bambi. Come on in, please. Turk is still at work. What has happened?" In our apartment, I collapse into her arms, babbling "I'm sorry" in an almost rhythmic way, over and over again. "Shh, it's alright," she comforts me, "I know you're sad, please tell me what's going on. Have you been with Cox?" I choke on some of my saliva, cough intensely and then simply nod my head. "Oh, Bambi. What has he done to you, sweet thing?" "It wasn't him," I stutter, voice husky from the coughing and crying. "I did it. I went to him and we-, we-..." I want to explain to her what happened when I was at the beach, I want her to know about James and Luca. I want her to know that I had sex with Dr. Cox. But all I can bring out is sob, after sob, after sob. After a while, I manage to calm down a bit and Carla offers me to talk about it to her. "I am gay, Carla," I tell her then, looking at her expectantly. "Yeah, Bambi. We know, or, better said, we suspected it. You were practically glued to Dr. Cox for the past few years, your female relationships were a disaster and you… your signals were so obvious. I'm sorry we weren't more supportive of you, we didn't want to startle you." I am a little confused because Carla isn't mad, she is so kind to me and… _Th- They knew?_ "I-... You don't have to apologize, Carla. I should have talked about it more openly," I say, then continue to tell her about the night on the beach and my encounter with Luca and James. Oppositional to my fear, she isn't mad that I had preferred talking to a stranger about my feelings. "It's a sensitive topic and I understand that you didn't want to scare us away." Like always, my friends are so supportive. I don't know how I could have thought about it differently. 

I feel exhausted, so I let Carla tuck me in. She puts a blanket around me and caresses my hair. "You're a handsome, kind guy, Bambi. If he doesn't see it, it's not your fault." I nod, melting into her soft touch. It's a sweet contrast to Dr. Cox's demanding hands. Tears are welling up in my eyes again. "Shh, it's alright. Sleep now, okay?" I obey, closing my eyes again and trying to shut off the stream of thoughts in my head. _It's alright. I'm going to be alright. It's only one rejection. There will be other guys._

_But I don't want someone else._

When Carla leaves to go to bed herself, I reach for my phone and send James a quick text that I _did_ something and it didn't exactly turn out as planned. But that I have finally talked to my friends. He replies immediately, 

_I'm sorry to read this, JD. That's not what I intended to happen. If you need us, you know where to find us. Meanwhile, we trust your friends to look after you. They'll be there for you. Don't give up just yet, little lark._

I sad-smile at the new nickname. 

Like in a delirium, I think about Dr. Cox. His strong hands all over me, his kisses, the husky noises he had made. And… The sudden rejection when he woke up. His expression had changed from relaxed to tense so quickly. I can't figure out what else I saw in his face. 

_Oh, yes, I can._

_Hatred_. It was definitely _hatred_. 

And yet, I can't stop my heart from doubling it's rate at the thought of Dr. Cox's lips on my skin. Why did he give in to me if he hates me so much? My heart is so full, my feelings for him were overdue to burst out, spill all over and cover us in misery. Tonight gave me proof for that. But I still love him with all my heart, with all I have. If he told me to jump off a roof to prove it, I'd do it before he could even finish the sentence. I'd forgive him anything because he's Dr. Cox. He's my everything, and all _I_ will ever be to him is _nothing_. 

_I know this love will tear me to pieces_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, yes. Almost-smut. I couldn't bring myself to write an actual sex scene because 1) I'm not the best at it, writing the word 'dick' out made me cringe like a 12 year old and 2) I didn't know if it would suit this work. Not yet. Maybe tell me how you think about it? Do you want to read some hot, steamy smut lol?
> 
> Okay but THEY'RE TINY SMOL BEANS, especially JD. They both had a rough childhood and a very not-so-accepting family. I'm sorry I made them so sad. It will eventually get better. Maybe.


	6. Only Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JD makes a life changing decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and welcome back to the Sad Party™. 
> 
> I cried a lot today because I am afraid that this story is shitty.
> 
> Song for this fic: Only Love - Mother Mother 
> 
> Enjoy!

**JD POV**

_  
He's holding me close to his chest. I hear a steady melody in the background as he moves us to it's sedative beat. One step, two steps, three steps. He spins me around, slowly, carefully. Then he takes me back into the embrace, a feather light kiss on my forehead. "Newbie…" his voice is only a whisper in my ears. "Newbie, do you hear me? I need to tell you something…" the softest sound. I feel goosebumps on my skin. "I lo-.." my lover, my savior says under his breath. "What?" I hear my own voice say. An acute pain hits me when his hand lands on my cheek. "Get off me, you freak!" The former sweetness is gone, replaced by a horrific spite. "You're nothing! Nothing!" I spin, and spin, I fall loosely through space, nothing holds me anymore. I wake up in a dark place. Alone. Lonely. "You're nothing and you deserve nothing." _

_———————_

_I lay in my arms dying_

_As you dance inside my heart_

_I know I should be trying_

_But every time I fall apart_

_I hear your voice in every noise_

_I see your face in fire_

_I feel your breath in every storm_

_And so I can't blow it away_

———————

When I wake up, it’s already 4 pm. It's real life. I'm in my bed. I'm hugging myself. Neither Carla, nor Turk woke me up. _Huh_. I feel completely zoned out, my head hurts and I can’t stop coughing. “Dude, are you awake? I can hear you coughing!” I hear Turk from the other side of the door. “Yeah,” I croak, then cough again. He opens the door to my room and takes in how miserable I must look. “JD, bro, you look like absolute shit. When was the last time you ate something?” “Don’t know, I can’t really remember it.” “That’s what I thought. Carla, you and I, we have the night shift today.” I nod. “You sure you feel good enough to go to work?” “I have to. If I had to stay here, you could just directly hospitalize me.” “Come on, Carla made us pancakes. Have some with nutella, Vanilla Bear,” he smiles at me and I can’t resist. “Will I get a hug from you as well?” Turk doesn’t say no, of course he doesn’t, so he comes over to me, sits down on the bed and holds his arms open for me, “Brown Bear Hug?” With the last bit of energy I have, I throw myself into his arms. “I’m sorry,” I say. “What for?” Turk sounds confused. “That I haven’t told you about my sexuality. I’m gay, Turk.” He pushes me away, but only a bit, so that he can look me in the face. “Duuuude, you really think I didn’t know that? And it doesn’t matter to me. You’re my best friend, no matter what you like, love, whatever,” he takes me back into his arms and adds, “but I still think Dr. Cox is the worst choice of them all.” I flinch at the name. “Sorry.”

At the breakfast table, Carla and Turk try their best to cheer me up. I try my best to be cheered up but it all feels so enforced. They seem unhappy with me here. I don’t want to be a burden anymore. “Guys, I think I will sell my car.” “What?” they both ask simultaneously. “I want to sell my car.” “Oh, Bambi, but why? Dan gave it to you only a year ago or so.” “I want to trade it in for a caravan.” “A caravan?!” “Yes, not a super fancy one but… at least something. I still have that small piece of land and I could park it there, live there, you know… I wouldn’t be bothering you anymore.” “But Vanil-” Turk starts, but Carla gives him a bump with her elbow. “I think that’s a good idea, actually.” “Baby, why?” my best friend complains, but she cuts him off again, “It could give you a better feeling, owning something like your own home, you would still be mobile and, as we all know, the apartment situation in this city is terrible. You would be a proper adult, living alone again.” Carla smiled sympathetically at me. I know she means it well, but hearing her say it so easily makes me feel unwell. “I guess… you could finally have back my room for Izzy.” “That’s another profit from it.” I nod in agreement, feeling a little more excited about my newest plan since my friends also support it. “I also have some savings on my bank account, maybe I won’t have to take the cheapest, dirtiest one.” “We could do road trips with it, Vanilla Bear!” Turk looks just as excited as me, his eyes sparkling like he was a little kid. “You two are like children, I sometimes wonder if Izzy is more adult than you are,” Carla says in an amused tone. "But I love you nonetheless." 

———————

_I know it's only love_

_It's only love_

_Yeah, but only love could fuck me up this much_

_I know it's only love_

_It's only love_

_It's just the stuff we are all made up of_

———————

Everything is normal. Well, I try my best to act normal during my shift. For the first time ever, I wear makeup under my eyes to hide the hideous dark circles. Pull yourself together, Johnny. Like I hadn’t _slept with my mentor last night_. My feelings are a mixture of heartbroken, sad and angry. I feel annoyed because Dr. Cox has managed to totally confuse me, to make me think he actually likes me back, only to push me away harder than before. I lean against the wall, trying to take a short break from work and to organize my thoughts. _He likes me,_ a part of me was certain about that. _He despises you. You’re an idiot._ A sharp whistle tears me out of my rumination. "You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose - specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against - but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing." His voice sounds emotionless, the usual anger was missing. "I know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?" With a firm hold, he takes me by the arm. “I just want to make this clear,” Dr. Cox starts as he pulls me from the main hall to a smaller corridor, “You will never tell anyone about what happened last night. You understand me there, Rosanne?” I should have expected this. Right now, I hate him so much. As if I would make a fool out of myself, telling anybody about what had happened between us. “Sure, Perry.” “No first names! How many times do I have to tell you that you out of all people are not, I repeat, no-hot, allowed to use my first name on me. Never, never, never. Now please tell me you understood what I just said.” I roll my eyes at him. “I understand, Percival Ulysses Cox. I understand everything because I might be a nothing but I’m not _stupid,_ ” I tear my arm away from his grip and I walk away from him. My face feels like it's burning. The tears blurry my vision. Although he has told me how he feels about me, I still get butterflies from his touch. _I guess you can’t turn off love._ I need a break from this. In the on-call room, I break down to my knees and sob. I feel an arm around me. "Bambi, it's alright."

———————

_I'm driving like a demon_

_Crying to our song_

_I'm drowning in the feeling_

_Of when we first sang along_

_I hear your voice above the chorus_

_Your funny harmonies_

_It's funny how they're not funny now_

_Instead, they bring me to my knees_

———————

My shift ended at 7 AM, now it’s 9:23 AM. I stand with my Prius in some random car dealer’s parking lot. “And you want to trade in your brand new Prius for this old caravan ‘ere?” “Yup. It’s the only one I can afford with both the car and my savings.” The salesman just shrugs, then invites me in to sign the contract for my new future home. Of course, I had to do it right away. First off, I’m a very impatient person. Secondly, living with my friends didn’t feel right anymore and I had to do something about this yucky feeling, at least solve one problem in my life. Carla and Turk had encouraged me to do it, so I don’t feel any regrets. At least not yet. “So, you just need to sign here, there and also on the last page. Afterwards, I will get both your money and your old car. Then you will, of course, receive a receipt for it." As easily as he had said that, he hands me the keys a few minutes later. I get in, turn on the engine and start my way into a new chapter of JD's Bizarre Adventures.  
I have absolutely no money left. Now it's only this caravan, the rest of my stuff from the apartment and me. Seems like I will be living a very minimalistic life for a while. 

———————

_I know it's only love_

_It's only love_

_Yeah, but only love could fuck me up this much_

_I know it's only love_

_It's only love_

_It's just the stuff we are all made up of, oh_

———————

Four weeks went by and I took some time off from work to better manage the move. They also were meant to form a Cox-Rehab for me. But on my mind, it was still the same. _Perry. Perry. Perry_.

My friends had helped me a lot. All in all, it was a very productive but emotional time. We all needed a lot of tissues. "It's like I'm moving to another country," I had said with a tissue pressed against my nose, trying to stop the snot. Turk mimicked my actions, his face wet from all the tears. "You are so weird," Elliot scoffed at us but she also had a tissue in her hands. 

Turk and I decided that Rowdy would be a good guardian for my new home, Carla didn't complain about the goodbye and Elliot had a good laugh about the whole situation. When we had finally finished cleaning, refurbishing and redecorating the whole thing, I decided to throw a welcome home party. Welcome home to myself. Besides my friends, I also invited Dan and my newest acquaintances from the coast, Luca, James and even their daughter Leeta. 

———————

It's a warm July evening. Perfect for a little BBQ. "The weather forecast mentioned downpour for the night but I guess we'll be alright until then," I tell Dan, who came over two days ago to help me organize the part and buy a furniture set for the 'garden'. Initially, I felt uncertain about how to tell Dan that I had sold his expensive present in order to change it against an old camper. Luckily, his reaction was totally cool. "If I knew you'd like to live The Camper Life, I would have bought you one, too." Anyways, concerning the set for my wannabe garden, we'd decided on a nice wooden table with fitting chairs. Dan had insisted on buying them for me. "We'll just place the table underneath the marquee if it starts raining. Don't worry about it, lil brother," he soothes me as he continues setting the table. We have also bought flowers for it, so I put them in a vase and placed them in the middle. “Looks fancy, right? You wouldn't think we're dining outside, next to a camper. This could also be somewhere in a mansion." I awkwardly grin at my older brother, who shakes his head playfully and laughs. "You know, I think it's way more charming than a fancy mansion.” Besides the darkness lingering inside of me, for the first time in weeks, I have a warm feeling in my stomach: Happiness. Love. Acceptance.

“So, VB, how’s the camper life going?” Turk puts an arm around my waist, grinning absolutely adorably. “I love it. And my neighbors don’t have to complain about me using their toilet anymore… and Rowdy takes good care of me, too.” He tickles me and I playfully push him aside, saying “That’s something I don’t miss, dude.” “Sorry, we’re just so happy to see _you_ happy.” I don’t want to tell them that I actually still have a lot of worries on my mind, like, all of the time. The memory of the night with Dr. Cox still upsets me, that’s why I avoid both him in person and thoughts about him in general. Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about him literally every second. Like right now. I give myself a slap on the hand, “Oh, damn you, fly. Stop landing on my hands,” I pretend to chase a fly away. “Annoying!” Elliot shakes her head at me.

The conversation is pleasant, Carla tells us a lot about Izzy and especially Luca and James are totally invested. They manifest that they want to adopt another kid and give Leeta a requesting look. “Yeah, sure. A little brother would be nice,” she shrugs and turns back to me, grabbing one of my hands. “John, I really want to know how you style your hair so nicely. I want short hair, too.” She grabs her waist-long hair and holds it in my face, “Look, it’s so damn frizzy!” “It’s probably because you always straighten it. If you would just leave your cur-” James is cut off by a chicken wing landing on his jacket. “Are you serious?” He cries and tries to hold back his laughter. “It’s a new white suit jacket, baby. Why?” The corners of his mouth begin to twitch. “Who wears a white suit to a BBQ party, anyways?” Leeta walks over to her dad and takes the chicken wing back. “Yum…” she says with her mouth full. “So, JD, what product do you use?” She decides to sit on my lap and leans in closer to me, chewing her chicken very, very loudly. I position my hand on her open mouth. “Mh, yeah, I usually don’t use anything…” I scratch the back of my head. “Don’t lie to me,” she licks the inside of my hand. “Ewww!” “You deserved that. Bambi. You once told Dr. Cox what product you use and he said something about “damn vanilla hair wax in Newbie’s hair”. Maybe tell Leeta what hair wax exactly it was instead of lying to her sweet face…” Carla grins and when Leeta looks at her, grimaces, “I mean, you have chicken wing spices all over your face and it's still so sweet.” I tell Leeta the name of my favorite product and she seems satisfied because she puts her arms around my neck in an affectionate hug. “You’re the best not-real-big-brother I could have asked for. Jerk.” I just embrace her back and enjoy her closeness. She really is like a sister to me, now. “Dr. Cox really talked about my hair?” “Yeah, Bambi. He’s almost as obsessed with it as you are. He kept complaining about how it smelled like a birthday cake.” “And that it’s so sticky, don’t forget that, baby.” Turk adds. I shrug my shoulders. _I don’t care. It doesn’t mean anything._ But my mouth is quicker than my brain. “What’s he doing? Is he alright?” “Oh, little brother. Do you really want to talk about that grumpy old bastard? Don’t you want to come play with us?” Dan holds a badminton bat in his hands, wiggling it invitingly. Leeta practically jumps from my lap and dives for the bat. “I want to. I’m such a pro at badminton.” “Let Leeta play for me, she’s probably more athletic than I am. I will watch you guys play.” I take my chair with me and place it behind the caravan where the group, consisting of Elliot, Keith, Dan and Leeta, are already warming up for their big game. The others join me. Luca and James choose to sit on the grass instead, “It’s way more comfortable and reminds me of our youth,” James wiggles his eyebrows at Luca. “Oh God, stop it,” his husband cringes. 

They play a first, a second, then a third and countless more rounds. “You still want to know about Perry, JD?” Carla whispers. “Sure,” I lie. I am not sure. “He’s not doing too great. When he realized, after only the first day, that you won’t come back for a few weeks, he became more and more grumpy. He doesn’t talk much, even less than usually, and if he does, it’s not his typical rant: It’s mostly a sad sounding and, believe me, short answer.” My stomach hurts already. “Rumours are that he’s back with Jordan, Bambi. I’m sorry. I had to tell you.” I feel like all of the steaks want to see daylight again. “It’s alright,” another lie. I’m angry. I want to scream. I want to tell myself ‘I told you so’, I shouldn’t have had any hope in this. It’s ridiculous. I feel like a clown. “It’s probably the best for them, right, Carla?” But she’s not listening anymore, watching her husband chase after Leeta who stole his drink.

That’s when the storm starts…

At first, we thought the rain would be over soon. But unfortunately, it isn't. My friends packed their things together, helped me and Dan save the food and the rest of the stuff from the rain. And then, the party was over. Dan and I are standing under the marquee, he’s smoking a cigarette and we’re watching the rain flood up the street. “Damn, little brother. I didn’t think the forecast would be right.” “I told you so.” “But it was fun until then, right? You had a fun time?” His expression was so… expecting. “Of course, Dan. Thanks for helping me and all. I don’t know how to properly thank you…” “You’re my little brother. That’s enough for me,” he gives me a hug. “Thanks”, I mumble.

———————

Dan left three hours ago. But I can’t sleep. Over and over again, I see Dr. Cox’s face in front of me. I have to tell him how I feel. I want him to know that he’s hurt me. I want to finally make him realize what an impact he has on me. And I want to know why on earth he slept with me when he’s still interested in Jordan.

———————

_I wanna find my heart_

_I wanna find out_

_I wanna find_

_I wanna find life, God_

_I wanna find my love_

_I wanna find out_

———————

I round the corner and then my bike almost slips. “Shit,” I shout whilst I try to regain control over it. _Finally, Perry’s street._ I rush through the pouring rain, my hair is sticking to my forehead because I’m completely wet. _I need to tell him so I can finally forget._ And then I see two figures on the street standing in front of a car. With an abrupt maneuver, I force my bike to halt. They’re hugging for what feels like an eternity. She gets in the car and he waves her goodbye. I watch Dr. Cox as he goes back to his apartment. He doesn’t see me because I am already on my way back. I’m glad it’s raining. It covers all of the tears. And so it keeps raining. And I keep crying. Until eventually, I arrive at home. 

———————

_I lay in my arms dying_

_As you dance inside my heart_

_As you dance inside my heart_

_I know it's only love, it's only love (as you dance inside my heart)_

_I know it's only love, it's only love (as you dance inside my heart)_

_I know it's only love, it's only love (as you dance inside my heart)_

_I know it's only love, it's only love, yeah_

_———————_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.


	7. My Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry has to face his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update!!!
> 
> Song: The Mask (Stripped) - Matt Maeson
> 
> TW in the end notes!

**Perry POV**

  
"Don't forget I'm coming for your birthday tomorrow, okay? Please pick me up before you go to work." I groaned. "Yes, Paige. I am aware that it's already time for yours almighty to bless me with a visit. Thank God." "Stop this foolery, Perry. Grow up, will you, please?" My sister probably rolled her eyes at me. She always did that when we were still kids. "Fine. I'll lock all the doors so you can't come in, witch. See you tomorrow, lil P." I said and hung up before she could protest. 

It was the evening before my birthday, I called Jordan. I wanted to talk to her about the whole Newbie situation and since I'm not exactly a people-person, I didn't have anyone else to trust with my sorrows. When she entered our old apartment, she wrinkled her nose at the smell that filled it. "God, Per-Per. Did you bathe in scotch or what's that _stink_ ?" "Are you here to tease me? If yes, you can go right back through that door." I gestured vaguely in the direction of the exit that she still blocked. "Shut up idiot. You know exactly that it's not a tease. Can't you smell that?" "I couldn't care less." I poured myself another drink. "I had sex with JD." I confessed to her. I told her how I felt about it. About him. And about the three words Newbie had whispered. Confessed all of it _to my ex wife_. _Glorious_. What really freaked me out was that she didn't mock me for it. She merely nodded, gave a "hmm" every now and then and attentively _listened_ to my whines. "So, you've finally figured out why you despise DJ so much? And I finally understand why you liked my butt so much… " "It's JD, not DJ." I murmured, then elaborated my thoughts, "I don't know, Jordan. I can't let him near me. I'm afraid to scare him away. He's so much _better_ than me, he's friendly, he cares. He's not me, most importantly. I'm an old man, I'm angry _all of the time_ and I'm broken. Why would Newbie deserve that?" Jordan tried to convince me that Newbie could choose for himself and that, if he wanted to be with me, it would probably be in mutual consent. "He already confessed his feelings for you, what are you so scared of?" She asked me. But I didn't know what to tell her. She knows me, we've been together for an eternity. There was always something off between us, mostly because it didn't feel _right_ and yet, she was the only human I could open up to. "You're not a monster, Perry." Is she sure about that? "Let your little boy decide what he wants. And most importantly, make up your own mind before you condemn this whole thing."

When I brought her to the car, it was pouring outside. "We should have taken an umbrella with us." Jordan complained. She gave me an affectionate hug and with one last wave, she was gone. I was alone on the pathway. My curls were hanging down on my forehead, rain dripping from them already. In the distance, I saw a silhouette. "Newbie?" I whispered. _Stupid._ My mind already made me so paranoid, seeing him anywhere I go. _Why would he be here, anyway?_

———————

My birthday. July 2. My 47th birthday. And my plans for this special occasion? Work. And also, Paige had announced that she'll come over from Pittsburgh to stay with me for a few days. Honestly, I've never been a big fan of her, mostly because she'd become such a fanatic. Yet, her visit means that my apartment wouldn't be deserted for once. And I'd have a reason to kill one of those expensive wine bottles I used to receive as a personal "Thank You" from the hospital. Before work, I will fetch her from the airport, bring her home and return to her later in the evening. She probably wants to go dining. She's always been a big fan of those events, although our dad would never pay attention to them. Our mother, sometimes, would sneak treats in for us so we could hide them in our rooms. _Enough of the sad memories_ , I force myself to get out of bed and get ready for this _special day._   
  


When I arrive at the airport, I see that I'm still half an hour early. With a coffee, I take place in the waiting area and check my phone. A missed call from Carla. I consider calling her back but then decide I could talk to her later at work today. 

Much to my surprise, the plane is actually on time. I wait for the first passengers to leave, I watch them as they rush to the baggage carousel. Paige is not one of them. _Maybe she had a seat far from one of the exits?_ When I still don't see her, I try calling her. It rings seventeen times. After the eighteenth "beep", I hang up and swear. At one of the information counters, I ask an employee if there had been a delay or any other complication with the flight. She kindly negated and assured me that everything went well. To me, that means nothing went well. I have an unsettling feeling in my stomach. "Did Paige Cox enter the plane?" "Let me quickly check the data… No, actually. She wasn't on the plane. She must have missed it." "Shit," I curse. "I'm sorry, sir. Your wife probably missed her flight." "It's my sister, dumbass." It feels like a rope tightens around my chest. I can barely breathe but hurry to the exit. I hear a fimiliar sound. My phone! "Paige?!" "Hello Mr. Cox?" A shaky man's voice. A man? And why does he know my name? "Paige? Where's Paige? How do you know my name? " I yell into the speaker. "Yes, Mr. Cox. This is about Paige Cox, right. Your number was in her contacts." The person on the other end mutters, "We have to inform you of an unfortunate event that happened. On her way to the airport, your sister Miss Cox had a car accident. The taxi driver lost control of the car and they… They both died. It was a heavy crash." I keep silent. "Sir, are you still there?" I can't _breathe._ Without paying attention to my surroundings, I halt in the middle of the entrance hall. I pant for air. "Mr. Cox? We're very sorry. She-" I interrupt him. "I'm coming over. Where is she? I need to see her." He informs me that they brought her to one of Pittsburgh's hospitals. My birth hospital. "I will take the next plane. Thank you." Not waiting for an answer, I hang up on him. With a crack, my phone lands on the floor. _Shit_. It's screen is broken but it still seems to work. I shove it into my back pocket. People are probably staring at me. I rub my eyes as I try to push back the tears. _You didn't like her anyways, you fool._ I bury my face in my hands and growl. 

"Sorry, Sir. We don't have any more seats available on this flight. You'd have to wait for the next one." An assistant tells me. I practically jump on the counter. "My sister died today. It's my birthday. I'm going to commit arson if you don't let me on the plane. I have enough money to pay for all of the seats. So, let. Me. Get. On. The. Plane." 

My outburst had helped. I am sitting in the first class. A stewardess offers me a drink. I decline. Time seems to stand still. 

Pittsburgh. I haven't been here for years. It's foggy. The taxi takes me to the hospital. 

Paige is barely recognizable. Her face was demolished by the car crash. A teardrop lands on her pale cheek. 

"Carla. Tell Kelso I will have to stay in Pittsburgh for four days. I'm sorry." 

In the hotel room, I slowly fall asleep to the ticking of the clock. 

———————

After the funeral, I stay alone at Paige's tomb. Only a few people had attended the ceremony. A lot of them were from her religious circle. I had helped to carry the coffin. No one wanted to speak a few words. So I didn't either. 

"I'm sorry," I sigh and rest a hand on the wooden cross with her name on it. "I'm sorry." 

This place reminds me of our dad's funeral. It would be an exaggeration to say we'd grieved for him. But really, his death had been a traumatic event. The sudden end to our painful childhood. For me, it meant becoming "the patriarch" - I was never born for that role. However, I grew into it. It probably helped to turn me into the cynic fuckup I am today. 

———————

_Well, I felt the burn_

_Since the day you departed and talked from the tomb_

_I'm still healing those wounds_

———————

"Perry, will this pain ever stop now that he's gone?" Paige had asked me after the burial, still an innocent girl of 12 or 13 back then. "Of course, lil P. He can't hurt us anymore. We'll be okay," I assured her. I've always been a good liar. The younger me thought his father's death would cure all the wounds he'd caused but they had left scars on his soul. The pain never departed. 

I sigh. 

"That's why I never came to visit you, lil P. Whenever I saw your face, it reminded me of him. Of his belt. Of his angry face. You looked so much like dad." 

———————

_And it holds me down_

_But made me a man that says_

_Fuck all those rules_

_I will be who I choose_

———————

I put a white rose on her grave. "I'm sorry." 

I lie on the bed in that dusty old hotel room I've booked. Time doesn't seem to pass anymore. I think about Paige. Death. Our father. And then I think about JD. I fall asleep. 

_"It's not the same without you around, Dr. Cox. Please come back. " He sounds scared. "I miss you so much. Please." I feel a hand on mine. "I love you." "I love you, too," a too familiar voice says back._ _We make love. It's like the first time. It's slightly better._

_I never want this to end._

But I awake. Newbie is gone. 

———————

_Were you ever here?_

_Or just lost on the surface that at the first touch_

_Just evades in the dust_

———————

Paige is gone. Now that she's dead, the last piece of my past is gone with her. 

My head is spinning. Newbie reappears. "Newbie… I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

Whenever I see him, it shows me how _flawed_ I am. Because he's _different_. And I am still the haunted man. 

———————

_And it pulls me down_

_And showed me my demons lined up in a sequence_

_Forming a crow_ d

——————

He gets too close. Newbie makes me lose my mask. The mask I've been wearing since my father first laid his hands on us. The mask I had to craft to protect myself. The one I needed when _he_ was finally gone but life came crashing down on us anyway. 

And now Paige is _dead_. 

At last, my past vanished into nothing. 

_———————_

_It was so long_

_With a piece of happy home that_

_They stripped from the bone_

_I did not react_

_I settled my grievance by crafting a mask_

_And I never looked back_

_———————_

The next few days feel unreal. 

I wander around my old hometown.

Drink scotch.

I visit Paige. 

And I cry. 

Two days later, I'm on the plane back. 

I wonder what Newbie would do right now. 

———————

_So tell me what you know_

_I'm in deeper than I've ever been_

_I will never grow_

_While this anchor is chained to my feet_

_Tell me what you know…_

——————

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Side character death. Mention of childhood trauma/abuse.
> 
> This fic is sad and I'm sad. I kinda didn't want it to be that way, all dramatic and angsty for seven chapters. But this fic has now it's own will. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Neptune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Cox needs JD's help to find himself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello fellow readership,  
> thanks for dropping by again.  
> Since I did a double upload two weeks ago, I skipped last week but now I'm back with a new chapter of Lemon Boy.
> 
> I used one or two lines from the original show and re-wrote them - just like in the last chapters. Sometimes, the JDox moments in the original are so strong, I just have to put them into this work. 
> 
> Also, I changed a bit of the formatting -again- because on my other fanfic, someone suggested splitting the dialogues a little so I tried it out. Hopefully, now it's easier to read.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it - I certainly enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> Song: Neptune - Sleeping At Last

**Perry POV**

My reflection in the mirror is a fraud. Carefully made curls in my hair. A smile on my face. And that awful white coat. Liar, it declares. It’s just another variation of the truth, right? I smear over it with my still wet towel so I don’t have to look at myself anymore. My coat on the bathroom floor is the only remaining witness of my failed attempt to function.

_Pitch black, pale blue_

_There was a stained glass, variation of the truth_

_And I felt empty handed_

My phone rings. I don’t answer it. It keeps ringing. I groan. "Yes." "Perry, are you-," Bobbo starts to ask and I interrupt him with a simple "no". "What do you mean, no? What’s going on with you? You should be working right now!" He bawls into the phone. "Can’t. None of your business. And do I need to remind you of the six months of vacation I still have left. It’s high time for you to get back into your doctor’s gown and take care of the patients yourself. Good luck," I respond and end the call. I turn off my phone.

As I watch the ceiling of my bedroom, I feel another wave of nausea coming. Having too little energy to go to the bathroom, to avoid facing my reflection again, I lean over the edge of my bed and throw up into a bucket.

"I should be at work," I repeat Beelzebob’s words and slide back under my blanket. 

**JD POV**

_I miss Dr. Cox’s rants_ . Of course that's the first thing that came to my mind when I returned from my renaissance vacation. At first, I thought he'd avoided me. Shortly before my shift ends, Carla comes rushing towards me.

"Bambi, I visited Dr. Cox today…" 

"Oh." Did she read my mind? "What did he say?"

"Well, first, he'd called me two days ago. Said day, I wanted to wish him a happy birthday but he didn't answer his phone. Later, he called me back and told me he'd have to stay over at Pittsburgh for family business… "

"Family business?"

"I don't know, Bambi. He didn’t talk to me today. He just stared at the wall, eyes all glassy and the stink of scotch was everywhere. You should go check if he's still alive."

I grimace at her words "That’s weird. He usually never misses work… But if he doesn’t answer you, he certainly won’t talk to me." I notice a familiar clacking of heels.

"Hey, DJ. Listen to Carla, alright? You should really go see Perry. He's not in the best mood. Your stupid face usually cheers him up even if he'd never admit to it." Jordan joins us and reassuringly puts a hand on my arm. "For real. He wants you there."

Instead of an immediate snappy response, I give her a questioning look. Quick, think of something bold. "What would you know about it? Don't you want to do it yourself, I mean, you're his wife slash ex-wife slash girlfriend?" I say angrily. _Yeah, very bold, buddy._

"Oh God, no. I'd never get back to that punk head. He's smitten you anyways." Jordan puts a hand over her mouth. "Oh, sorry. Wasn't supposed to tell you. Anyways, I have an important meeting with a new board member, if you get me?" She raises an eyebrow, probably trying to give us a hint, and disappears into the mass of swarming nurses and interns in the hallway. 

The weird feeling in my stomach didn't give me a minute of rest and so I decide to actually pay Dr. Cox a visit - I could profit from it, anyways. My plan to “end” things with Dr. Cox had been interrupted so it’s still pending… And... Someone should at least go check on him if Jordan doesn't feel obligated to do so. 

**Perry POV**

I have an odd sensation of déjà vu when I hear the knock on my door. I've been here before, here at this rock bottom. Several glasses of scotch seem to stare at me, some of them half-full, others almost empty. Their scent bewitches me so easily. I choose one of the rather full glasses and drink it's entire content at once. I don't feel the burn anymore. It's turned into a relaxation. 

When the knocking doesn't stop, I grudgingly go to the door, a blanket around my shoulders. 

Barbie. And Ken. I groan and try to close the door again, but she blocks it with her foot. "Hey, Dr. Cox. We brought you pizza." She practically shoves the carton into my face and smiles assuringly. I groan. My therapist would be proud. For once. "Fine." 

As we all sit on the sofa, Elliot talks her head off. I’ve been zoned out for a solid hour it seems, and she’s still babbling at me. "Say, Ken, does she ever let you say a word or is she always like that? She’s already a pain in the ass at work but this exceeds my durability."

She shoots me a mad look. Keith just shrugs and grins goofily.

"Why don’t you negate it, Keith?" She now speaks to him, her tone offended.

"Sorry, honey, it was just a stupid joke from Dr. Cox, am I right?"

I maliciously smirk at him. "I don’t _joke_ , Ken." He lets out an awkward laugh. But Barbie doesn’t laugh. I’ve gone overboard.

"You’re both so unbelievably mean," she says but her gaze is only focused on me. "You sit here all day long, drowning in self-pity and alcohol and you still try to put me down for trying to be there for you? Do you even realize how much of a schnook you are? It’s no surprise everyone leaves you." She’s hysterical by now, her face red.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the scotch or the almost-insult she used. Ken sits dumbfounded beside her.

"Are you trying to tell me something I don’t know?"

"That only makes it worse. No one should be there for you, never again. You don’t deserve it. Anyone would be better off dead than in a room with you."

I gulp. _Paige. "_ Get out," I command.

"Oh, what now? Did I say something mean to poor baby Coxie?"

"Elliot!" Keith warns her because, other than his girlfriend, he sees my expression.

I slightly brush my nose with my hand. "Get out," I repeat.

"Yeah, go on with your three days of mindless drinking and then come back to the hospital as if nothing happened. And we have to carry the extra work on our backs."

Keith has gotten up and drags Elliot by her hand. "It’s enough, sweetheart. Let’s go."

"Listen to your bimbo, Barbie. Go."

They move to the door but she halts again. "It’s no surprise JD-" she tries to tell me but I raise my hand with a scotch glass in it and swing it menacingly.

"Get out," I shout at them. Keith finally manages to pull Elliott outside. The door clunks shut. I sigh.

**JD POV**

On Dr. Cox’s storey, I almost literally run into Elliot. She looks worn-out and gives me a sympathetic look. She gives me a short hug and leaves. “Good luck,” she had whispered into my ear.

**Perry POV**

Only moments later, there’s another knock on the door. I growl. "This can’t be happening." _Knock, knock. "_ I said get out!" I scream and throw my glass against the door. Silence.

The door opens and brunette hair peeks in. Then a head. "Oh. You’re in a good mood today, I see."

"Oh God…" I wail.

Newbie enters my apartment and stares at the broken glass, then at me, then back at the pieces on the floor. "Guess I’ll clean that up, first."

When he kneels on the floor and brushes the remnants of today’s peek moment on the dustpan, his butt is in a provocative position. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch it. God. I’m disgusting. The sound of the sweeping brush on the floor, the clangor of the glass. It triggers something in me. Actually, I just don’t want to catch myself staring at Newberella’s butt. But why be honest? _Sweep, sweep._ I groan. "Are you done yet? Why did you come here, anyway?"

He stands up and faces me. "I thought we could talk. But I guess there’s something fatal going on here when you were pushed to destroy one of your beloved crystal glasses?"

"My sister died." I reply emotionlessly.

He stares at me.

 _Blink. Blink_.

"I’m sorry, Dr. Cox."

"Don’t mention it." I close my eyes and lean my head on the backrest.

"I think talking really isn’t the best idea," Newbie states as he throws away the shards in the kitchen. "I think you should take a few days off. Get some rest because you look awful. I will tell the others to stay away. But on Monday, I want to see you at work." He says and as soon as he was there, he was already gone.

**JD POV**

The next day, as in, today, I tell Carla, Turk, Elliot and everyone else who’s eavesdropping about what happened to Dr. Cox. His sister died. The news gave me a chill to the bone. The others were just as devastated. Although Paige hasn’t paid her brother a lot of visits, we all knew how fond he was of her. Secretly, of course. I also tell them that he wants a few days to himself. Alone.

"That’s nonsense, Bambi. I need to visit him again today. If nobody looks out for him, he’ll eventually hang himself," Carla manifests.

For the first time in a while, I stand up to my friends. In a strong voice, I refuse the idea. "No. He needs a break. From you all. Elliot in particular didn’t help the situation yesterday. He needs a few days to think."

My friends gawk at me. Eyes wide, mouths open.

I roll my eyes. "Just give him a few days, guys."

**Perry POV**

After the rather unpleasant visits yesterday, I feel the need to change something. Anything. So I spend my day cleaning the apartment.

I do the laundry.

I clean up the mess I’ve caused the past few days. I wash the dishes that consist only of some forks and knives from eating the pizza and, of course, all of the empty glasses. 

I vacuum.

And then, it’s already dawn.

I feel less exhausted.

_You let me set sail_

_With cheap wood_

_So I patched up every leak that I could_

_'Til the blame grew too heavy_

_Newbie's kisses are so passionate. He tastes like candy. I caress his back and he clings closer to me. "Perry…" he purrs into my ear. "JD…" I say as I kiss his cheeks, his neck, his collarbones. "I want to stay like this forever…" "Yes," is all I can say because all of a sudden, Newbie is ripped away from me by strong hands. A glass bottle shatters somewhere near my head. I hear his screams. "Percival, how many times have I told you this? You're not a faggot. Disgusting piece of flesh! You’re not my son!"_

I wake up bathing in sweat and I detect that it isn't JD who screams. It's my own fearful cry. 

I get up with a groan. No use to waste any more time in this bed.

I feel the urge to change _more_.

I cut off my hair.

I attentively listen to music for the first time in a while.

I watch myself in the mirror for an hour.

I cry.

_Stitch by stitch I tear apart_

_If brokenness is a form of art_

_I must be a poster child prodigy_

_Thread by thread I come apart_

_If brokenness is a work of art_

_Surely this must be my masterpiece_

  
  


**JD POV**

Finally, the day has come. Today, Dr. Cox should come back to work. I hold on tight to the straps of my rucksack as I enter the hospital. Everything seems pretty ordinary. Dr. Kelso is currently harassing one of the new interns. I watch the scene from afar, a little lost in thoughts. Please, let Dr. Cox come back today.

My wishes are to be fulfilled. 

There he is.

He doesn’t seem to notice me when he walks over to Dr. Kelso and intervenes in the other’s harassment. 

_“I shall defeat thee, o terrible dragon creature thou are! For it is my destiny to keep this land safe and blessed. Lay down thy head for me to chop it off!” Lord Cox speaks, his voice a frightening hall in between the walls of the creature’s cave._

_The dragon does not obey. It wheezes, pumping smoke through its nostrils. When the knight strides further to the monster, it spits fire. With skill and luck by his side, Cox hides behind a rock. A scream startles both the dragon and the knight - but the latter reacts faster. With an incredible heave of his sword, he slaughters the dragon. It was a merry day for their country…_

Something strong bumps into my shoulder. I turn around to see Dr. Cox passing me, heading for the exit. 

**Perry POV**

I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Newbie’s deep-in-thoughts face.

I sit down on the bench in front of the hospital building. Today is going pretty well so far. Nobody bothers me with too many questions about my absence and the patients are particularly nice today.

Maybe it’s also me who is very nice to them today.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Cox," Ms. Grey says after I’ve filled out her report. "I couldn't think of a better doctor to treat me."

I give her a warm smile. "I could think of only one at the moment. But I have to admit, we have a lot of very skilled attending doctors here."

She beams at me. "I am just glad to finally receive a treatment. Without your assistance, they would have declined it."

"It’s just a bit of paperwork and a lot of schmoozing the person in charge."

It feels good to be back. Newbie was right, after all.

But I don’t have the guts to tell him. Not yet.

"Here, I heard you could do with some coffee."

"Hi Carla."

“It’s good to see you.”

"Thank you. For all of this," I tell her and gesture to the coffee. I take it and drink a bit from it. "Just the way daddy likes it."

She grins at me.

I can’t not smile back.

"Get back to work," I mock her.

_Home sweet home._

I let out a relaxed sigh whilst I sit down on my couch. 

An empty glass in one hand, a full bottle of scotch in the other.

I do what I do best. 

Before I can take a sip, a thought overcomes me.

 _No_.

So I pour it.

Into the sink.

"I need to talk to Newbie."

It’s a calm evening out, not a lot of traffic on the streets. 

The way to Newbie’s apartment doesn’t take me a long time.

I ring the doorbell and wait for an answer. Newbie should already be home as well. Of course, he doesn’t open the door but _Carla_. She looks surprised to see me.

"Perry, what are you doing here?" She questions, still seemingly a little bedazzled by my sudden appearance at their home. 

"Good evening to you too, Carla. Is Newbie here?"

She shakes her head and gives me an apologetic look. 

"I forgot, you didn’t hear about it yet. Sorry, there was so much going on, I myself forgot to say something. Newbie moved out."

"Where to?" _He did what?_

"It was over a month ago when he took some time off from work. He bought himself an old but functioning caravan and parked it on his piece of land at the other side of town. But let’s make this short, I’ll give you his address and you can sort this out between yourself."

I stop my Porsche in front of Newbie’s new residence. From outside, it looks very comfortable. I never thought of him as a caravan kind of guy but it suits him. 

I wonder if I should leave it be and drive home. But I promised myself - and especially Newbie - to talk.

I knock on his door. He doesn’t respond to it, the only thing I hear is a rumbling from inside. And someone saying ‘ouch’. 

"Hey, Newbie. I can hear you. And I can see that the light is on. Let me in, okay?"

He ignores me once again. Maybe he’s not alone?

I feel a sting in my heart.

"We can talk, okay, Newbie?"

Suddenly, the small window next to the door opens - and Newbie’s perfectly styled hair peeks out. Then his face. 

"Okay, we can talk, Dr. Cox," he mumbles.

"I meant face-to-face."

"You can see my face."

"For God’s sake, Newbie. Don’t overdo it," I groan annoyedly. 

"Fine."

He closes the window and reappears in the doorway.

I almost choke.

He’s wearing his red onesie.

"Gosh. You could have at least…" I want to scoff.

"Don’t. You wanted to talk to me, so keep it serious, Dr. Cox. I’m not in the mood for this."

I can’t believe I was jealous for a second.

"Sorry. Did you just put this on and tripped over your own feet because I heard someone saying ‘ouch’ after a loud rumbling,” I mock him again.

"I said stop this farce."

In that moment, it starts to rain. First, only a few drops land on my light jacket.

"I don’t know how to start, Newbie. You know I’m not the type for this…" I continue to find excuses.

And it also continues to rain, more heavily by the time I finish my senseless stammering. My clothes were already sticking to my body.

"You better figure out a way to do so because you don’t have an umbrella."

"You still won’t let me in," it's more of a statement than a question. I make a step forward onto the small metal ladder. 

Newbie frowns at my movement and closes the door a bit.

"Be honest with me, Dr. Cox. Talk to me like you respect me as the adult I am. Stop constantly harassing me. All I want is to know what’s going on, okay?" He wants to come off as tough, I know. But he’s not. I can sense the fear in his voice, the sadness and desperation. 

_I'm only honest when it rains_

_If I time it right, the thunder breaks_

_When I open my mouth_

_I wanna tell you but I don't know how_

_I'm only honest when it rains_

_An open book, with a torn out page_

_And my inks run out_

"I respect you Newbie. You’re not only another doctor at the hospital. You are so much more than that. And not only to me." I focus on my shoes.

_Drip, drip, drip._

The sound of the rain makes this whole scene more dramatic than I ever wanted it to be. But it fits us - Newbie and me.

And then it hit me.

One of the first times I thought of him and me as _us_ . A _possible_ us.

"You’re an extraordinary guy, JD."

He makes no sound.

"You’re the best doctor who ever came through that damned hospital door. You are the first and only doctor I ever met who cares as much as I do. You’re a damn exceptional person. That’s why people gravitate to you. That’s why I do. You’re my friend."

 _And I want you to be more than that_ , I keep to myself.

_I wanna love you but I don't know how_

_I don't know how_

_No I don't know how_

_I don't know how_

_I wanna love you but I don't know how_

_I don't know how_

_I wanna love you but I don't know how_

_I wanna love you but I don't know how_

_I wanna love you_

I look up at him.

He looks back at me. 

I find myself getting lost in his ocean eyes.

I blink away a tear.

It melts with the rain on my face.

"I am no good with words. At least not this type of words."

I make another step onto the ladder, closer to Newbie.

"I can’t stop thinking about you," I admit.

He finally lets me in.

_Pitch black, pale blue_

_These wild oceans shake what's left of me loose_

_Just to hear me cry mercy_

_The strong wind at my back_

_So I'll lift up_

_The only sail that I have_

_This tired white flag_

_(White flag)_

_I'm only honest when it rains_

_If I time it right, the thunder breaks_

_When I open my mouth_

_I wanna tell you but I don't know how_

_I'm only honest when it rains_

_An open book, with a torn out page_

_And my inks run out_

_I wanna love you but I don't know how_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading - it means A LOT to me.  
> The last sentence, he finally lets me in, is so AMBIGUOUS. And could be interpreted from both perspectives. Just dropping some hints for the next chapter. ;)
> 
> The last part felt like writing a poem, I bet Perry would be a fantastic poet!


	9. Kiss Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry finally admits his feelings. Will his honesty be rewarded?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeehaw everyone.  
> This update is a little off schedule but I was really busy and couldn't find the time to continue the story. I had to write it on my phone so I'm really sorry if I missed any mistakes.
> 
> Song: Kiss Goodnight - I Don't Know How But They Found Me
> 
> Enjoy <3

**Perry POV**

_No, I don't care_

_About anything at all_

_But I still stop and stare_

_Every time that you call_

_See, I know that girls like you_

_Well, they don't come with guarantees_

_So if you've got to spend your time_

_Oh, won't you spend it with me?_

Newbie cautiously opens the door to his home and hides behind it. 

I step into his caravan, my wet clothes dripping on the floor. 

"Sorry about the mess," I tell him as I gesture to the small puddle beneath me. 

Newbie closes the door behind me and steps into his kitchen which is also the hallway, as well as the living room - and the bedroom. Wow. 

He shrugs. "It's okay. Just maybe… Take off your shoes and… I could offer you something to change?" He offers, sounding unsure, already fetching a mop out of one closet. 

A little uncomfortable with the situation, I step out of my shoes and hang away my jacket. 

Newbie, who has finished the mopping, realizes another puddle forming on the floor. It's probably coming from my soppy trousers and shirt. He rolls his eyes at me. I give him an awkward grin. 

"Maybe help me out a little, Newbie? I really don't want to turn your little castle into a swimming pool." 

He eyes me for a second. Then, he smirks. 

"I've got you," he declares and reaches into one of the drawers in front of me. He pulls out a turquoise unicorn onesie and hands it to me. What a hilarious thing. 

I cross my arms. "No," I shake my head. 

"Oh, I knew you'd say no. But it was worth a try. You can have one of my pyjama pants and a shirt. Here," he's already packed away the cotton-candy horror and holds a grey shirt and a black trouser in his hands. Way better.

When I change, Newbie explicitly turns away from me and stares at his kitchen counter. 

"You can turn around, Bridget. It's not like you've seen me naked before, right?" I joke. 

"Do you want some pumpkin soup? Just shortly before you decided to barge in on me, I prepared some. Special Dorian recipe," he changes the subject. 

"Why not?" I haven't had a proper meal in a while. 

We sit side by side at his little table next to the kitchen and the bed. His shoulders are pressed against mine. 

"I didn't know you could live so… Minimalistically. But, I can see, your weird dog was part of the minimalist plan, huh?" I point at it with my spoon. 

"Rowdy protects me." 

"He sure does, Diana." 

"Stop mocking me or you can eat your soup outside." his warning takes effect. 

I eat a few more spoons of his, actually really delicious, soup. It's time to tell him what's been driving me away from him for so long. My therapist would be proud, right? 

"Look, Newbie. Back in high school," I start my story… 

**JD POV**

"I had my first boyfriend. Yes. Boyfriend, Newbie. Don't gawk at me like it's big news to you - you sucked me off."

I cringe at his words and snap away from his gaze, giving my bowl of soup more attention than it deserves. 

When an awkward silence begins to settle between us, he clears his throat and continues to tell me about his teenage years. I listen to him attentively but avoid to look at him. He's so close. I can smell his perfume, the scent a mixture of wood and flowers. 

He first talks about his father in general, how he's been a heavy drinker ever since Perry can remember. He remembers how he used to leave all of the empty alcohol bottles around and Perry's sister Paige had to collect them. Their mother never bothered to see. Perry says he got used to it somehow. The pain was an uncomfortable constant in his life that he couldn't shake off - until one day, he met his first boyfriend. His first ever relationship - and it was with a guy. I tried to ignore the jealousy building up in my stomach. 

My bowl is already empty but I don't want to interrupt him - he's opening up to me like I've always wanted him to. 

His brokenness isn't a big reveal to me. It's been obvious all along. But this is different. It's a significant moment. 

I keep digging the spoon into the bowl, carefully scratching soup from its walls. Perry's eyes are focused on the wall ahead of us. His voice has become different, it lacked his usual mocking and "I am so much better than you" tone. 

"My father almost killed us when he found out." Perry sighs heavily, his gaze still distant and searching. "I always let everyone think my partner and I, we were just best friends. But rumors in school, then in the entire neighborhood spread about us and my father got wind of it. When he came home one night, he was almost steaming with anger. He stormed into my room, my boyfriend and I were sitting on my bed. He called us unfaithful, took me by the arm and smashed me against the wall, again, again and again, saying I couldn't possibly be gay." 

Perry sniffles. Finally, I peek at him. I see tears welling up in his eyes which are red and swollen by now. I want to hug him more than ever. I never thought us so alike... But now, I finally understand. 

"To me, it was nothing new. As I said, I got used to it," Perry murmurs, not really talking to me anymore. "And I expected it to happen eventually. But he didn't. My first boyfriend was so scared. He couldn't move, didn't make a sound. That provoked my father and drove him nuts. He threw beer bottles at us and hurt him very badly. I will never forget his frightened face. And I can never forget myself for letting that happen to someone else. And then, I never saw him again. He avoided me. Understandable, right? Who wouldn't avoid the mess I am?" Perry's monologue ends abruptly when he seems to realize that he's not only talking to himself. He looks at me with visible distress.

"I decided I couldn't be gay. I couldn't let something similar happen ever again. So I wanted to be normal. The marriage with Jordan was a silly attempt to convert myself to the hetero side." He chuckles a little and winks at me, if it's a funny thing to say. 

"Did it work?" I dumbly ask him. 

"Ask the lawyer who put into effect our divorce." 

I scratch my head and shrug. "I guess…" I push aside my bowl and place my hands on the table. I turn around to face Perry, my knees bumping into his thigh. I fidget with the hem of my sleeve. "I'm sorry Perry. I… don't want to mimic empathy or tell you I knew where you're coming from. But nevertheless, I can relate. Dan has never been really fond of my sexual orientation. He even slapped me once for it, maybe hoping it would cure my problem. I think he's sorry. But the message behind it haunted me for a long time. I even had myself convinced to be straight, attracted to women in college etc." I sigh and rest my head on one of my hands." It never worked, though."

"So that's why you're such a womanizer who just can't keep a relationship going?" 

"You think I'm a womanizer?" 

Perry rolls his eyes and grunts. "Of course you'd focus on that part, princess." 

"Do you?" 

"I don't know. You practically jumped at every good-looking female near you. Even my ex wife. You really surprised me when you suddenly decided to fall for her new boyfriend."

"He kinda looks like you but less old." 

"What was that, Newberella?" He looks at me angrily, eyes wild. But there was a playful glimmer in them, too. 

"He's not as handsome as you are, Perry." I admit and blush a little. "And I was drunk. I sometimes make mistakes when I'm drunk." 

He turns his head away from me and looks out of the window.

"You were drunk the night you came over to my apartment." He sounds sad. Perry never sounds sad. 

"I wasn't that drunk," I try to defend myself. I really wasn't. It was just the necessary level for me to get more confident. 

"So it wasn't the alcohol acting, Newbie?" He asks me, still observing the rain that falls against the window. 

"I wouldn't have dared to do any of that without a little confidence boost, Perry. But it was what I wanted." What I want, I correct myself. 

Perry still doesn't look at me but his hand sneaks onto the table and lays itself on top of my free one. It's one of the kindest gestures he's ever shown me, besides the rare shoulder or arm squeezes, or the very rare shoulder pats. 

"Do you remember what you whispered into my ear that night, Newbie?" He caresses my knuckles with his thumb. 

Of course I do. I've been ashamed of myself ever since. More than usually. 

I nod but he doesn't see it. 

"Yes," I add silently. "I thought you didn't hear me but then, you got mad and -" my voice breaks as I speak, remembering the words he spoke to me afterwards. You're nothing. I feel sucked back into the bad dreams I had for weeks. The dreams in which Dr. Cox is kind and loving at first, until he realizes that it's me he's kissing, holding… My down-spiral of thoughts is interrupted by Perry who looks at me in an expecting manner. 

"Are you there, Sir Think-A-Lot?" He asks and squeezes my hand. 

"Sorry, I kinda got lost in my head." I apologize but turn my head away from him to lock my gaze on our entangled hands. "What did you say?" 

"God. I can't believe I have to repeat myself, JD," he begins and leans a bit towards me until his nose almost brushes my cheek. "I said I'm sorry. This time you better listen to me. I didn't want to hurt you. I was scared." He leans back again and lets go of my hand to fold his arms behind his head. He's observing me. Is he waiting for a reaction? 

"Do you think of me as a nothing?" I dare to ask. I feel on the verge of tears. This entire situation is making me feel ill. Although it's all I ever asked for. Dr. Cox who opened up to me. Who called me a friend. Who touched me. And I can't help but fear. I fear he'd let me down again. What if he's just playing with me, some sick kind of joke waiting around the corner for me to run into? 

He doesn't answer me, silence lingers between us again. I sigh. 

Then, he finally opens his mouth to speak. "Hell, no, Newbie. Didn't you listen to what I said about you just right outside that damn door? You're the best person I know." He groans and bumps his head a little against the wall. I feel both angst and joy bubbling in my stomach. Am I dreaming? Why did he suddenly change his mind? 

To ease my mind, I decide to wash the dishes. I stand up and fetch our bowls to wash them. I feel overwhelmed with emotions. 

"I'm sorry, Perry. I don't know what to say. I've been waiting for you to say this since the first time we met. When you instructed me to place an I.V., all I wanted to do is to do it right. Make you notice me. But you didn't. Over and over again, you didn't. And when you did, you called me girls' names. Mocked me. Why would you suddenly change your mind? Why would you sleep with someone and then chase them out? What did I ever do to you to make you so angry?" I'm quasi talking to myself, tears rolling down my cheeks. I scrub the remains of the soup out of the bowls, probably almost breaking them in half because my knuckles are white. "I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood. I wish I could erase it. But I can't. I'm here, in your present. I could be there for you, Perry. I always wanted to just be beside you. I never wanted to let go. But it's so hard to run after you all of the time. I couldn't cope any longer. I just wanted you to let me in…" l stop when I feel two arms around my waist. 

**PERRY POV**

_I hope we kiss goodnight_

_It might just end my life_

_But if you think that it's right, right, right_

_I hope we kiss goodnight_

_I hope we kiss goodnight_

I think Newbie didn't notice me when I stepped closer to him. I slide my arms around him and place my head on his shoulder. He flinches at the touch. Inside of me, two voices are fighting. Stop this madness, you'll hurt him. You're too fast. He doesn't trust you. The other voice keeps telling me to go on, give in to the feelings. Kiss him. I think I want to trust the latter. 

I carefully kiss Newbie's earlobe. "I always noticed you, Newbie. You were always there. You helped me through bad times. You didn't leave my side. No matter how much I tried to push you away, you were so damn stubborn. You never left me. And I never really wanted you to."

All of those years, I kept pushing him. Torturing him. Even though I was never really sure he could feel the same about me, have any romantic feelings for me, let me be more than his mentor - I had to keep him away from me. Because he'd eventually figure me out. 

_Should you invite me in_

_To spend the night on the floor_

_Oh please believe I'll be a gentleman_

_Or you can show me the door_

_While all my friends and I_

_Leaf through the books on your shelf_

_Now I don't want to spend my life_

_With anyone else_

I pull him closer to me. "I'm sorry." I've never apologized so much in my entire life. 

Newbie fidgets in my hold and tries to get away. Disappointedly, I sigh. "I'm sorry," I repeat when I want to let go of him. But he just tries to turn around. He dries his hands on my, no, actually, his trousers and turns to face me. He wraps his arms around my neck. 

"Perry," he whispers as he leans in closer to me. "You can't figure out how much I just wanted to be here. In your arms. Safe." He nuzzles his face against my neck, sniffling. "You smell so nice. Everything about you is so nice. I can't stop wanting you, Perry. I tried. I can't. Please don't make me wait any longer. I'm aching to-" 

I can't stand this anymore. I need him. He's my oxygen, without him, I feel lifeless. He's always been there, right in front of me. And finally, I can feel him. Touch him. Taste him. Be honest with him. 

I kiss him tenderly, my left hand finds its way to his cheek. He presses himself against me, furiously kissing me back like he's been starving his entire life. 

**JD POV**

He's here. He wants this. I'm dreaming. I'm kissing him. _Kissing_ him. Finally. 

He's kissing me again.

**Perry POV**

My mind is a mess. All I can think about is JD's soft lips on mine. His hands in my curls. 

_I love him_. 

I realize. 

**JD POV**

I don't know for how long we've been standing there. Kissing. Embracing. I never want it to stop. 

"JD. Let's lay down for a bit, okay?" Perry offers me. Hearing him say my actual name makes my heart flutter every time. He looks absolutely besotted. 

"Sure, let me just…" I say and wiggle out of his arms. I shut the blinds and turn on two fairy lights. When I turn off the big light, the van looks wonderfully cozy. I feel drunk from all of it. The whole situation. Perry laid down on my bed and now waits for me to join him. He looks like someone in a beautiful painting. 

I practically jump onto his lap, throwing my arms around him. He hugs me back and snuggles into me. 

We lay back, me on top of him. He's hugging me tight. 

Never let me go, I think. 

"I never want to let you go." He phrases my thoughts. 

It's like a switch finally flips. Like we don't have to explain anything to understand. 

"I think I'm in love with you, JD," Perry's voice is nothing more than a breeze grazing my neck. 

_I love you, too._

I really do.

I can feel Perry's calm breath, his chest lifting and lowering in its rhythm. He's fast asleep with me on top of him. I don't know what time it is. It doesn't matter. 

It feels like all of my fears were washed away. I amsure that with Perry by my side, things would eventually be okay. 

I would do anything for him. 

I watch him sleep until I join him in a sweet slumber. 

_Why don't we kiss goodnight?_

_Well, it might just end my life_

_But I'm pretty sure that it's right, right, right_

_Why don't we kiss goodnight? (Oh)_

_Why don't we kiss goodnight?_

_(Now, let's begin)_

_Why don't we kiss goodnight?_

_It might just end my life_

_I'm pretty sure that it's right, right, right_

_Now we can kiss goodnight_

_I don't want to spend my life (life)_

_Without your kiss goodnight_

_Yeah, for the rest of my life, life, life_

_I need your kiss goodnight_

_I hope we kiss goodnight_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Finally.  
> Thumbs up for Perry's courage!  
> Tell me what you think :)


End file.
